One of my favorite movies is “Meet the Fockers”. In this comedy, Robert De Niro plays ex-CIA agent, Jack, who has been deeply influenced by his job experience, and he is on a mission to prove his future son-in-law, Greg (played by Ben Stiller), is not trustworthy. The two are meeting for the first time, but despite Greg’s efforts, he seems to always be outside of Jack’s “circle of trust.” How often do we feel like Greg, powerless over expectations to earn someone’s trust, or like Jack we struggle to trust others, God, and even ourselves?
Trust is often defined by characteristics such as honesty, reliability, respect, and security, all of which are valid. However, I would like to share trust from one ancient eastern perspective. I love studying the Hebrew interpretation of the Bible because their understanding is more concrete and creates a beautiful picture we can see. One Hebrew word for trust is batach and it means being wrapped in the protection of covenant. The word picture is a baby being swaddle in a blanket. Can you imagine what that kind of trust would feel like in your life? We can learn to feel that trust in our relationship with God as our primary source, but no matter where we are on our faith journey trust is a measure of safety. Trust is a powerful force in relationships but living in an imperfect word with imperfect people we often feel powerless when it is violated. Nevertheless, the truth is we have the power to choose our responses and responsibility for our own trustworthiness in relationships.
We can think of trust in relationships like the foundation of a building. The safety of the structure (relationship) is compromised if the foundation isn’t strong and sound. Furthermore, it fuels or limits our ability to connect with others both personally and professionally. Interestingly, science has discovered that when we feel trust it releases oxytocin, a hormone that influences our social/emotional connections from the time we are born into adulthood. Joshua Freeman, Social/Emotional Intelligence expert and founder of Six Seconds, says “Trust is a two–way process and because it is not just a characteristic but an emotion it should grow between people.” It is a valuable part of our emotional health, well–being, and self–confidence.
Whether you are establishing or restoring trust, use the acronym ACT to start growing in your relationships.
Awareness – We cannot change what we don’t see. We often go unaware of how unresolved hurts from our past are influencing our present level of trust, and can easily move us into fear, suspicion, and other toxic emotions that skew our perspective. As a result, we build walls that block out the flow of trust and love rather than having windows of transparency that allow greater levels of intimacy.
Self–awareness allows us to recognize the triggers or beliefs that drive our choices and empowers a better quality of life and relationships. Begin by asking yourself what gets in the way of trusting others and/or being trustworthy in your life? What thoughts, feelings, and actions would support you to build more trust, and be more trustworthy?
Care – Connection is easy when we have agreement, but when our hot buttons get pushed our fight or flight response kicks in and the F word kicks into gear. I am talking about is FEAR which should be a curse word because it is the biggest enemy of love. When we care to connect, we learn to give love by managing our own responses and practicing empathy no matter what the other person is doing or not doing. With the goal of caring to connect we create a safe place for sharing and look for opportunities to invite others into our “circle of trust” while maintaining healthy boundaries that value mutual respect and love. Above all we treat people as they are worth and not as we think they deserve. Ask yourself if there is a relationship or area in your life where you want to increase trust? How you can begin to make adjustments in order to invite a safe place for connection?
Transparency – I believe trust is exchanging truth with transparency and love which means being open and authentic to let others see what is going on within. Obviously,there are various levels of relationships and transparency with others accordingly, but if we believe that trust is all about the other person’s actions and behaviors then they get to control our trust. Rather than demanding trust, if we display trust by sharing the truth in love then we don’t need to pretend it doesn’t matter, or withhold love to punish others or try to get a reaction. The reality is that without truth trust doesn’t stand a chance. Learning to use Emotional Intelligence and assertive communication we can share without anger, judgement, or offense what is going on inside, and if there is a problem, we can be courageous enough to own and clean up our personal part. Ask yourself what has been left unspoken? How you can communicate heart to heart with the goal of growing trust?
-Andra