Are you stuck trying to process significant grief and loss? Have you said one of the following or something similar?
“It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”
“No, no, no, no, this wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“This can’t be happening.”
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
When traumatic events and losses occur, reality defies our comprehension; they leave us simultaneously struck by grief and shock. Everything we have planned, believed, hoped for, or understood about our future– suddenly changes in a moment.
How do we move forward from a traumatic event and loss?
You may feel stuck in your grief and loss if you don’t know how to move forward. Does it feel like there’s no relief in your suffering, and you feel like time isn’t “healing all wounds” as many have told you it would? Do family and friends encourage you to “move on” and often try to “cheer you up” or change the subject to more pleasant topics?
If you answered “yes” to those questions, let’s examine the difference between grieving and mourning. We often use the two words interchangeably, but there’s an important distinction. One will relieve the other. Here’s one way to define these two issues:
Grief = the internal effects of loss or trauma
Mourning = the outward expression of our grief
If you’re “stuck” in the grieving process, it could be because you have not effectively mourned,
In some cultures, time is appropriated for mourning. A few wear all black to signify being in a state of mourning. Some cultures employ professional mourners to assist the grieving as they mourn. Mourning well is hard work. We call it “grief work,” and few understand the healing properties of working out their grief.
Grief is something that, when we share or express it, we give away a little bit of it. However, many friends and family members may not want to join us in bearing the burden of our grief. Most are unwilling to walk with us and receive our grief. Perhaps they have their own unresolved grief as well.
The shortest route to recovery is to pass through the grief, not around it, not avoiding it, and not trying to suppress it. The suffering caused by grief multiplies if not confronted.
Here are a few suggestions you may find helpful if you’re working through the grieving process of losing a loved one:
- Close the loop – perhaps you missed out on conversations with a loved one that has passed, and you have unresolved grief because of something you said or didn’t say before their death. Find a trusted friend or family member and share this with them in a safe place where you can freely express your emotions.
- Acknowledge the loss — recognize the loved one’s life is over, complete, and verbalize the hole it has created in your life. Take the time you need to work through this; everyone is different and mourns in their own way.
- Look forward, believing you can (and will) get through it if you’re willing to do the work. You can live the life you want without the emotional triggers and heavy weight of grief if you find someone or a group of people in a safe environment to help you work through and work out the pain. Or, let us know if we can help you work through your grieving process.
Grief and mourning are distinct. One is the solution for the other. Grief work is never easy, but the reward of doing the hard work is restoration; freedom from the burden of grief is available. You can get unstuck from your grief. Not only does freedom await you, but a special blessing and comfort are offered for those who mourn.
Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
-Michael Cooley
Pastoral Care Counseling
Emergency Dept Chaplain