“Relationships suffer greatly when couples don’t mesh their lives through shared activities, recreational companionship or spending enough time together.”
You married your partner in life, the man or woman you love like no other, the one with whom you have chosen to spend your life, your dreams, and your most intimate self. So, why now, are things so hard?
At first, it was bliss, but then you begin to argue frequently, stop seeing eye to eye on anything, and even avoid spending time together. Soon enough you begin to wonder if you married the wrong person. At this point, you feel miserable and hopeless, and you find yourself saying, “Things used to be so good. How did we get to this point?”
Serious marriage problems don’t happen overnight. They gradually creep up over time. And according to research, on average, couples remain in a miserable marriage for six years or longer before seeking help. Furthermore, frequently people simply divorce without seeking help for their marriage.
But what if your marriage struggles are more common than you think? And what if there are resolutions to the problems between you and your spouse and hope for restoring your marriage? Would you be willing to seek help if you knew there was hope, even if it meant taking an honest look at your part in the problems?
From my experience as a marriage counselor, three common problems lie at the heart of many broken marriages:
1. Lack of understanding and respect for your spouse’s feelings and needs
The most common relationship problem is poor communication, which includes not only misunderstanding the other person’s point of view, but also refusing to acknowledge or validate the other’s view as opposed to not understanding it! It is simply an unwillingness to take the time to genuinely listen and care to understand. If people cared to listen to the other person with as much interest as he or she wished the other would listen to them, both would end up receiving exactly what they are looking for!
Further, it is common for spouses to have very different physical and emotional desires and needs, and it requires a true desire and commitment to understand, know, and consistently nurture your spouse’s unique physical and emotional desires and needs, even if it is not in line with your own or if it requires extra time and energy. Otherwise, your relationship will lack connection and intimacy, and you may open your marriage to the risk of infidelity.
2. Allowing complacency in the marital relationship
At first, you did all the little things to keep your romance exciting and alive. You texted each other in the middle of the day. You went out on dates. You made an effort to keep up your appearance. You had common interests and shared friends and activities. Now, it seems that you lead somewhat separate lives. Relationships suffer greatly when couples don’t mesh their lives through shared activities, recreational companionship or spending enough time together. Further, couples need to function as a team in parenting, managing household responsibilities, and finances. Consulting with each other about decisions and plans and coordinating schedules, along with having fun together are a must for maintaining a close connection in the marital relationship.
3. Failing to protect, honor, and cherish the marital relationship above all
Trust and respect form the foundation of relationships. Lies, deceit, secret habits, or emotional dishonesty about thoughts or feelings destroy trust and respect in marital relationships. If you or your spouse struggles with an addiction, it must be treated to protect the integrity of the marriage. Also, failure to set healthy boundaries with others or to maintain appropriate relationships with members of the opposite sex often cloud judgment and create unhealthy intimacy outside of the marriage. A balance of time and energy invested in work or hobbies and interests must also be established and maintained, as they are strong forces that can come between you and your spouse and can diminish the relationship. Further, if you find that your marriage has become kid-centric, and you or your spouse is paying more attention to or feeling more closely connected to your children than each other, the marital relationship is being compromised.
The pressures, temptations and even genuinely good opportunities coming from the outside are limitless and ever present. Recognizing the dangers and actively protecting your marriage are essential for maintaining its integrity. Whatever or whoever you deal with, make sure that your spouse has top priority in your life, and that the marital relationship is valued and respected above all else.
If your marriage is suffering from these problems or others, and you are seeking motivation you’ve been missing or solutions where there appear to be none, know that there is hope, and there is help available. Even the best partnerships are messy and challenging, and establishing and maintaining a good marriage requires consistent hard work and cooperation from both partners. If you are willing to commit to the process, marriage counseling can help you gain healthy perspective and learn the skills necessary to heal and restore your marital relationship.
Connie Jones, MA, LPC| 770-862-6088