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We all make agreements. Some agreements are legal, where we agree to pay a certain amount within a period or go into contact with a business partner. Other agreements are where we come in accordance with an opinion set in a position of agreeing. However, with all agreements, there is unity in what is decided upon by indicating the agreement’s details. 

In relationships, especially close family relationships like; husband or wife, child and parent, siblings, we assume that the other person knows us or should know us well. Therefore, they understand our heart and mind as we understand theirs. Unfortunately, that is often not the case. According to a study done at the University of Chicago, 50% of us overestimate our ability to communicate our thoughts and feelings clearly to those closest to us. We think we are understood but unfortunately we are only understood about half of the time. Sadly and unknowingly we end up operating as if our knowledge is transparent and heard yet our communication ends up being potentially at least half of the time, clear as mud.

An article written in Good Fruit Grower entitled Shedding Light on Core Rots gives insight into how many exported apples, which grow in regions worldwide, get a moldy core and core rot. From the outside, a person wouldn’t be able to tell these apples have issues with their core because they look like healthy apples. Another intriguing fact is that moldy core problems can form from heavy rains impacting the flower parts, causing the blossoms to have fuji. The core of the apple is formed around the deadly fuji that makes the apple inedible. In other cases, an outside force, the mite Tarsonemus can carry fungal spores into the fruit, impacting the apple’s core and causing rot.

Think about your phone for a minute and all the things you can do with this powerful device. Maybe for you that’s catching up on news, watching movies, sports or TV, browsing social media, calling friends, checking email, getting directions, the list goes on and on… but engaging in all of those activities depends on one variable that you can’t always control… which is the strength of your connection.

Becca was a senior in high school when I first met her. She was forced into counseling by her parents after her teacher saw deep gashes on the inside of her upper arm. She brought with her a crippling backpack filled with past hurts that put her future well-being in great jeopardy. Unfortunately, her parents carried massive backpacks filled with pain of their own and were unable to help her unload her heavy burden. Her mom was miserable, frustrated and feeling completely stuck in her marriage. Her dad was sarcastic, uninvolved and a functional alcoholic. Often when people do not have the means or courage to face and fix the problems in their life, they redirect the cause of their pain to be someone else’s fault. In this case like many others, both parents’ personal torment spilled onto Becca. Dad who was unable to manage his crippling feelings of self-loading, would make crude and painful comments to Becca that would wound her at the core. Her mother, in an attempt to gain some sense of control and stay afloat the verbal abuse hurled at her from her husband would yell and criticise Becca’s every action. Nothing she did was good enough. These experiences became deep soul wounds in Becca’s heart which shaped her view of others and of herself. The internal messaging she developed from her soul wounds lined up with the family curse passed on from one generation to another. Each generation wounding the next with the same message of self-hate, doubt and mistrust. Becca questioned every decision she made, she trusted no one including her own feelings that caused her as much torment as the words and actions of her parents. Everything felt overwhelming and painful. She tried to gain some control of her life and stumbled upon cutting on social media. She found cutting to be on her terms, a feeling she could control, pain she inflicted herself versus inflicted someone else. At first, her cutting made her feel empowered and in control. She even found that the cutting allowed her mind and body to relax and keep the lies at bay. For the first time in her life she didn’t feel as hopeless and powerless. 

When it comes to anxiety everyone has a different experience. Some experience racing hearts, changes in body temperature, stomach pains, ruminating thoughts, panic, paralyzing fear, numbness, or disconnection. This list goes on and on. It is something that is a universal experience while also presenting very different in everyone. At the root of all anxiety is fear.

Moment. That word means so much more than just passed time. Have you ever thought about that?
How are you spending your moments? Those times in your life that are filled with rich meaning. Not just
the hours that pass by in a days’ time but the memories made and the feelings experienced in that
passing time. That is what I am talking about when I say ‘moments’.

Many times in counseling, someone comes into our office because they are experiencing a level or stress or dysfunction with someone else in their life that they can no longer endure. This may be a relationship with a co-worker, or a parent, or a spouse, or a close friend, or a child… but the dynamic is always some version of the same thing: the person realizes that they have come to a breaking point in the relationship and that something MUST change. The million dollar question however, is HOW is this change going to happen?!

We have all seen them, the TV ads designed to catch our attention and entice us to buy now, or miss out on the chance to save. Maybe those deals don’t entice you but you have made impulse buys because you see the need and benefit of the product or service, or it seems like a great idea in the moment.  Have you ever taken the bait only to realize that the product or service isn’t what you imagined or thought it would be, or you realized that you need your cash more than you needed what you bought? Buyer’s remorse is the disillusionment and regret we begin to feel when we took the risk and it didn’t turn out the way we expected.

I am a dreamer. I see the way I want my life to look, spaces to look, relationships to look way before it actually happens. I see it playing like a movie in my head. The clothes I am wearing, the car I am driving, the way my husband and I speak to one another, the girls trip my friends, and I will go on. I can see it all down to the itty-bitty details. I think that there is some beauty in this because I believe in the power of manifestation and visualization. It helps me to set the goals needed to achieve my dreams. And what I am recently learning is when I am in this space, I am also in my control part. The part that has anxiety about the unknown and what ifs. Living in this space can lead to disappointment, rage, irritation, frustration, depression, and sadness. I have noticed that when the movie doesn’t play out exactly as I envisioned it, I start to shut down, or lash out or feel anxious… because I don’t know what comes next…