I am seeing a lot of articles these days for those who have lost a loved one but very little for those in the in the extended family or friends of the one grieving. How do you walk alongside someone who has lost a dear one during this festive time of year?
1. Allow those grieving to cry and be sad.
This might be the most important suggestion. This is a very difficult time for those grieving for the first time during the holidays. Allow them to be sad and cry. Love them. Hug them. Cry with them. Allow them to be and do what they need to be and do at this moment in time.
Acknowledge their sadness and pain. Sit with them as they cry. Hold them. Agree with them. Love them. Don’t try to step into what they are feeling with words. Words might not be what they need. Step into their pain with touch, acknowledgement, silence, with presence. This might be the most healing thing you can do.
2. Include those who have lost a loved one in the festivities but be sensitive to the pain they are feeling.
Making space for those who have suffered a loss is so important. They need to know that although they have lost a spouse or a parent or a sibling, they still belong. They are still alive. They are still important to you.
You might want to do something to honor the person who is gone. When Dan Wheeler joined his son-in-law’s family at Thanksgiving after the death of his wife, he found they had set a place and chair for her.
3. It is ok to talk about the person who has passed away.
Although talking about the one who has died may bring tears, stories and memories bring honor to them and helps in the grieving process. These stories and the laughter or tears they bring are healing. Get out the Kleenex and enjoy this special time.
4. You may want to plan a few days away with your grieving friend or family member.
Getting away isn’t avoiding grief, it is taking a break and maybe looking at things from a new perspective. You might want to include an activity or two the one being grieved would have enjoyed.
5. Keep some old traditions and start new ones.
Find out what traditions are especially enjoyed by those grieving and make plans to do them this year. Get out the Christmas tree and talk about those special ornaments. And maybe there is a new tradition or two that you could start that would honor the memory of the one no longer with you.
The first Christmas after his wife’s death, Wheeler’s daughters found his wife had ordered pajamas for everyone before she died. The family wore them on Christmas Eve as they usually did and I have a hunch new pajamas for Christmas Eve is a tradition they still carry on.
6. Acts of Love
I remember hearing a story years ago about a family who lost a loved one. One neighbor quietly came to their house and asked for their shoes. As they went about their activities, this neighbor quietly sat in the kitchen polishing their shoes and then quietly left when he was finished. Cleaning house for the grieving family, grocery shopping, doing dishes or laundry, caring for little ones to give the adults a break. These things show your love and care like few things can.
You are probably grieving the loss of this loved one, family member or friend as well. You are on your own journey. These suggestions might help you in your grief. Getting past grief isn’t forgetting. Some describe it more as memories of the one who has passed becoming memories that bring joy rather than sadness. It is ok for you to feel sadness and joy as you grieve the loss of this person in your life.
Grieving involves the Village so to speak. You are part of that Village. It takes work. One day at a time.
References List:
Devine, Megan. “How do you help a grieving friend?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2zLCCRT-nE&feature=emb_title&fbclid=IwAR3TYW0Z0F0ArWZFwji99Y7j-mhJe45-l7V0Mr-AuxEoAGCVNmDrOKmzvdw&app=desktop
Wheeler, Dan. “How to Survive the First Year of Grieving a Loved One”
Zonnebelt-Smeenge, Susay and Robert C. De Vries, Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Baker
Books, 1998.