As an older lady who was born and raised in the South, I was told from an early age that it was “un-lady-like” to get angry. No one was ever supposed to see any anger coming from me. Based on the messages I kept getting, I decided that there must be something really wrong about having angry feelings. But what was I supposed to do when anger showed up in me anyway? What could I do with it? I learned early on to push those feelings down. That was going to take care of it, right? It didn’t. Instead, I wound up in my 20’s with a stomach ulcer. All that anger was eating away inside of me. If holding anger in was dangerous to my health, maybe it was better to express it. But I normally felt guilty if I showed any anger because I was afraid I might hurt someone’s feelings by doing so. I also had bad experiences when others expressed their anger towards me. I remembered a really bad one.
There was one female coworker who obviously had not heard the same things about anger that were told to me. If you did anything she didn’t like, she would “explode” on you then act as if it was no big deal. Her anger was gone and how it affected you didn’t seem to matter. I decided that maybe she was following that anger myth about getting anger out being cathartic. It may have been for her, but what about the people who were the recipients of her anger? I always felt bad for them. One day I became the focus of her anger. After she finished screaming at me, I felt that there was something terribly wrong with me. My next thought was that I didn’t want to be around her. I even felt angry that she acted as though nothing ever happened once she “got her anger out” about something she thought I had done. Thoughts were running through my head of “I can’t stand to be around her. She makes me so mad!” Where did those thoughts come from? What would happen if I said them out loud? There had to be an answer to the mystery surrounding anger and I needed to find it.
Once I started my college courses to reach my goal of becoming a counselor, I learned that all feelings, or emotions, are okay. Anger is an emotion just like fear, hurt, sadness, love and others. That meant that people had lied to me about anger, and I was determined to find out the truth about it. The first thing I learned that made sense to me was that I needed to give myself permission to feel angry. It is also okay for other people to feel angry. Anger is emotional energy which is neither right nor wrong.
It seems that our emotions fuel our actions, so whatever we are feeling can be expressed. That made sense, but where do the emotions come from? Emotions are created by our beliefs which come from voices or scenes from our past. Our history creates the beliefs which fuel our emotions. Emotions are high and thinking is low when people are angry. That limits their ability to reason, so decisions made aren’t usually good ones. I was gaining knowledge about anger but still wasn’t sure how to handle it.
Anger can serve several different purposes. I discovered that we often use anger to establish control in order to get our own way or distance ourselves from people trying to control us. There are often other feelings behind our expression of anger. In fact, distancing yourself from others can be due to a fear of being close to them. Fear is driving the anger and is used as a means of protection. Sometimes we use anger as a way to win. Unfortunately, when both people are angry, they are more focused on proving they are right rather than listening to each other and trying to resolve the problem. I’ve also seen people use anger to get revenge about something they thought another person had done to them in the past. That may have been what happened with my coworker. Others use anger to reestablish rights they feel someone has violated. I had gained lots of knowledge about anger but still needed a plan on how to handle the angry feelings I might be having.
If we are angry, we need to make a responsible decision about what, if any, action needs to be taken. What is your anger telling you? Is it indicating a problem in you or is there a problem in your environment that needs attention? Do you need to change? Do you need something from someone else? A lot of anger comes from unmet needs. Ask yourself what you need and how to get it instead of feeling angry because your needs aren’t being met. The other person may not even be aware of those needs.
It is essential not to let anger control you. If necessary, walk away and be alone rather than continue to express your anger. Then decide how to handle your anger in more appropriate ways. I often tell my clients that it is okay to be mad or angry but never to be mean. If we can openly and honestly discuss our anger in a calm manner, then we can feel our feelings, think our thoughts, think about what we need from that person, and express our needs instead of shouting at them. In fact, we are responsible for our angry feelings, even if they are appropriate reactions to someone else’s behavior.
Take responsibility for your anger. Say “I feel angry when you do this” rather than “You make me mad.” Don’t mentally or emotionally punch yourself or others for feeing angry. Don’t let others hit or abuse you when they feel angry, and don’t hurt others when you feel angry. Seek professional help if abuse occurs.
Sometimes burning off the angry energy can make a difference. Clean the kitchen, play softball, go dancing, take a walk, or even exercise. Anger is extremely stressful, and it helps to physically discharge that energy. You can also write letters that you don’t intend to send, which is another technique I use with my clients. Once your anger is written down it’s easier to get past the guilt you may be feeling and figure out how you can best deal with it. Guilt doesn’t help. Learn to forgive yourself as well as others.
Remember, anger has received a bad rap in the past. It is just a feeling and is not right or wrong. The only thing that can be looked at as being bad is how you express your anger. Remember that it is okay to be angry but never okay to be mean. Find positive ways to express your anger.
-Janice