Benjamin Franklin said, “the only things that are certain in life are taxes and death,” but one thing Benji forgot to add is that conflict is certain as long as we are breathing. The storms of conflict will come ashore in our life; sometimes as a Category 1 storm, other times as a Category 5 or somewhere in between. Often avoiding conflict is really a reaction to it, not the absence of it. Alternatively, over reacting and creating emotional waves is reactive in nature and enhances the level of the storm. Either way the problem is left unresolved, and reeks havoc on our personal wellbeing, and quality of our relationships. Although there is no way around conflict because we are all unique in our experiences and perspectives, we can learn to embrace and face it so that together we have power over the problem instead of the problem having power over us.
We created to be free and wired for love, but because there are no perfect people on the planet we all experience unmet needs, or the threat of conflicting interests and concerns. Whether either of these are real or perceived we often dig our heels in the sand and fail to see the obstacle as an opportunity. My best friend and I have had a few sever storms hit our relationship over the last eighteen years that could have taken out our friendship. Instead of letting it define us, we let it refine us and it served as a catalyst that fueled personal transformation and a stronger bond that has stood the test of time.
How can we conquer conflict without destroying ourselves and others in the storm? We can personally prepare, pursue connection, and practice new skills to obtain the best outcome.
- Prepare – Preparation begins with a lifestyle of personal growth and development to empower you to show up in any relationship at your best. Effective communication and conflict resolution is a matter of the heart. We often want to change our reactions, and may make an effort but most attempts yield little fruit without looking within because we will always interpret what we hear from others through the echo inside. Scientific research confirms Biblical Scriptures that we think more with our heart than our head, yet we often minimize or go unaware of the matters of the heart and just try to fix our actions or behavior. Transformation from the heart is a journey I have been on for the last sixteen years, and it has been vital to walking in incremental levels of wholeness in spirit, soul, and body. It has allowed my to see the faulty abandonment and rejection wiring that resided deep within my heart but went unnoticed by my conscious mind. This heart condition caused me to fight to be right for acceptance, or withdraw from conflict and listen to the narrative that I should just cut my losses and would be better off alone. Through inner healing, personal development, and most importantly embracing my experiential relationship with God, I have been transformed in how I show up in conflicts. It’s not perfect, but it is leaps of progress. We can’t change what we don’t recognize, but hiding and denying matters of the heart take as much energy as it does to work through them, but the latter option produces the most freedom and opportunities to be your best self. Take courage and prepare your heart and mind.
- Pursue Connection – Connection is easy when we have agreement, but when the storms hit we need a firm foundation that won’t get washed away. With our busy lives we can often live disconnected and not even realize the state of vulnerability in our connection. We also may need to take ownership for our part in healing previous hurts so we can heal the connection. In addition, it is vital to maintain a healthy connection when conflict happens. Conflict often pushes our fear buttons that results in the fight or flight mode in turn creating more distance and more disconnection. In this mode we usually don’t even pin point the real problem because we are replaying all of the old arguments and blaming each other. We struggle to find and the real problem and solutions until the power of love overcomes the enemy of fear. If the other person is already under the influence of fear or pain, we can still choose to partner with love to nurture rather than neglect connection. If you intentionally become the safe place it creates an invitation to work through solutions and strength the bond.
- Practice Assertive Communication – This style of communication keeps your communication on what is going in your internal environment, and pauses to listen with the goal of understand what is going on inside the other person. Using I feel messages such as I feel disconnected, or I feel alone, rather than saying something like, “you never listen,” is helpful to keep the defenses down. When we blame someone we silently play the victim and try to convince them that we are right and they are wrong. There are no winners in the aggressive, passive, or passive aggressive style of communication we just get on the hamster wheel or trying to prove our point or get others to agree with us that we are right. We might not admit it, but often we are thinking along the lines of this anonymous quote that says, “I would agree with you but then we both would be wrong.” It’s great to prove our case in a courtroom, not so much to resolve relational conflicts. When we have the goal of understanding each other it allows us to see others perspective over the proof. One of the tools that works well to keep understanding the goal is to turn judgement into curiosity. Instead of thinking we know what is right or what they are thinking, switch our mindset to wondering what is going on in their heart. In the communication cycle, you listen and respond while remembering that you are responsible to them for how you show up, but not for them and how they do.
Before a difficult conversation ask yourself, What is the specific problem you want to solve? How will you protect or pursue healthy connection —-even if they don’t?
Have you worked through your own pain and any forgiveness necessary in order to show up with your best self?
In summary, this quote speaks volumes about the importance of preparing for conflict, pursuing connection, and practicing assertive communication. “When you meet a difficult person, God is challenging you to bring a higher measure of good into their life than the difficulty they are bringing into yours. No matter how hard a person or situation might be to deal with you are always being challenged by goodness.” Graham Cooke
As a life coach and counselor, I am passionate about empowering individuals, couples, and families to prepare, pursue, and practice healthy communication and conflict resolution that creates strong connections and relationships.
– Andra Prowant