I thought I was supposed to write about something completely different for this blog and then…. life happened. We had to say goodbye to our beloved 11-year-old Boston Terrier, Abby. Our youngest daughter has not known life without her. Abby was there waiting on her when we brought her home from the hospital. She was the patient playmate, tolerating hours of dress-up, and the best little cuddle companion during movie nights. As I held our crying daughter in my arms, I knew she was thinking about how different life would be without little Abby around. We were both feeling the weight of the emptiness Abby would leave in our lives. We were also anticipating all the feelings that we knew would come with yet another loss, another change. The words to a song by Patty Loveless, flooded my thoughts and mindlessly, I began to hum them to her. The words go like this:
How can I help you to say goodbye,
It’s OK to hurt, and it’s OK to cry,
Come, let me hold you and I will try,
How can I help you to say goodbye.
Do you know the song? As you read the words above or recalled the song in your mind, I imagine an array of emotions begin to stir deep inside you. Our hearts recognize and respond to the familiar feelings described by the words being sung. Sometimes we can relate to the actual story, but most of the time it’s simply the emotion behind the words that trigger our own memories from the changes we have faced. The song starts out like this:
Through the back window of our ’59 wagon
I watched my best friend Jamie slipping further away
I kept on waving till I couldn’t see her
And through my tears I asked again why we couldn’t stay
Oh my heart! Did you feel that too? Most of us know the feelings these words conjure up – feelings of loss, sadness, fear. Change can generate a wide array of feelings within us. The more intense our feelings around the change, the more vivid the memories will be. How many of you moved as a child? Do you remember how it felt? I certainly do. Maybe like me, you were sad, worried, confused, anxious, yet excited, hopeful, maybe even giddy about the adventure ahead. Most of us would relish in change, if it only generated those feel good emotions and if we didn’t have to deal with some of those not so pleasant ones. Change, most often, is a two sided coin. You may be looking forward to the adventure of a new start, but at some point, you have to deal with some of those unpleasant emotions that may creep in – feelings of uncertainty and fear about the unknown, or the sadness about the loss of the old and familiar. Depending on the change, the form it takes, what we know about it, how much experience we have with it, how prepared we are for it, will typically tip the scale for us in feeling more one way then another. With a move, the feelings generated may be more pleasant than unpleasant. The loss of a beloved pet is certainly more unpleasant than pleasant.
Conversely, when life is going great for us, we “want things to stay this way forever.” Let’s keep everything the same, and these happy times will continue, indefinitely. Unfortunately, that’s not the way life works. Whether we actively try to keep things as they are or not, change will happen. Change happens every day. Life truly does not ever stay the same. We get older, people come and people go, we move, we change jobs, we succeed, we fail, we grow, we love, we get married, we get divorced, say goodbye to pets, we watch our children reach milestones, have their first date, get their hearts broken, go to prom, graduate high school, college, we watch them get married and move away, we say goodbye to our parents, look forward to grandkids, we pray for good health so we can keep up with the next generation, we prepare for retirement, travel, take care of our frail lifemate, bury friends, and step into eternity.
If change is unavoidable, what’s the point of even talking about it? Well, we all are not only affected by change, we are affected by how we feel about and respond to change. Do we embrace it? Fear it? Resist it? Avoid it as much as possible? What do we learn from it? Our thinking, feelings, and behaviors are all combined to generate our response to change. Of course, there are many other factors that drive us to respond the way we do, and that is a discussion for another time. As we react to change, both the conscious and subconscious parts of our brain records our thinking, feelings, actions and the outcome of our responses for us. It’s kind of like our internal filing system, it helps us make decisions in the future. With every change we are presented and every choice we make, we learn something. We add more information to the database in our brain. If we like the outcome of our responses, then we attempt to do the same thing the next time in an effort to generate the same result(s). Freud calls our learned responses, repetition compulsion; the biological need to repeat old behaviors. Neuroscientists tell us that as we learn and grow, neuropathways (roadways), are created in our brain by the behaviors we choose. When something similar happens, we are compelled to take the same path as before.
If you are going somewhere for the first time, your brain creates something like a map to form the memory. The next time you decide to go to that particular location, you recall the memory and decide to either go the same way or change your route based on your experience or new information. Let’s say you have taken the same road many times and are comfortable with the route, you are halfway there and you realize oh wait traffic this way is so much worse than it used to be and it’s taking you significantly more time. So you have a decision to make. Do you feel any reluctance to change the route? The route you are giving up is familiar, you know it, the new route may take just as long, be just as congested. Do you take the chance and change?
The problem with just relying on our learned responses is that change is complex. There are many factors to change, and there are a lot of things about change that we can’t control or even foresee. We knew when we got Abby 11-years ago that one day in the next twenty years or so she would pass away. We didn’t know when or how, but we took the chance and brought her home anyway. We took into consideration the joys versus the sorrows that come with having a pet. We based our decision on past experiences, the risks, and we were realistic about the possibilities. To reduce the unpleasant feelings, we sometimes try to control change either by forcing it or avoiding it. If we wanted to control the pain of losing Abby, we would tell ourselves she was just a dog or it’s no big deal. If we would have been motivated by the fear and the pain of having a pet, we would have perhaps avoided getting her in the first place and missed out on all the joy.
The challenge with change is that while people often actually want and see the need for change, those “old slippers” feel mighty comfortable when change is in the air. In short, change upsets us and threatens our sense of stability, our false sense of control. We are presented with changes all day, everyday. Sometimes change is driven by internal choice like moving for an exciting new job and sometimes by an external choice like losing a job. Sometimes those changes are pleasant, like getting a new dog or unpleasant, like losing that dog.
Obviously, how we feel about change often depends on the situation, as alluded to above. In our day-to-day lives, however, a healthy attitude toward the idea of change is important if we want to live our lives to the fullest. There is no one right way to deal with change, but there are many possible paths and many different tools to help us get there. If you are thinking about those neuropathways in our brains and me saying those were set? There is good news, our brains can actually change as well. Isn’t that amazing! It is called neuroplasticity, is the brain’s ability to change and adapt through the creation of new neural connections (pathways) formed by new responses we have as we grow and learn to deal with change in a realistic, expectant, and healthy manner.
The Institute of Mental Health published the following list of tips on their page https://www.imh.com.sg/wellness that I wanted to share with you. There is an overwhelming ever changing amount of information that you can find if you search for tips on dealing with change. Afterall, the only thing constant is change.
Don’t rush it
Change involves a transition from one set of circumstances to another. Give yourself time to adjust and settle down.
Expect a reaction
Emotions will be stirred up. Let yourself laugh, cry or feel moody about it. Change often involves a degree of loss, so it’s OK to grieve a little and feel nostalgic.
Don’t take it personally
Change happens. That’s life. Don’t obsess over who’s to blame or why it happened.
Go with the flow
Don’t resist or be too rigid. Be flexible, ride out the storm, and see how things turn out.
Don’t go it alone
Talk to your family and close friends. Share your problems with people you trust. Others may offer a different angle to the situation. Seek professional help if needed.
Don’t focus on the negative
If you keep looking at the bad side of things, you might miss the good. The glass is also half full, remember?
Break it up
A large problem will seem less insurmountable when divided into little ones. Work on them one at a time, and give yourself a pat on the back each time you overcome one.
Learn from it
With new experiences, we grow wiser and stronger. Wisdom helps us make better decisions in future.
Balance your life
It’s important to have a personal life to fall back on to help you through tough times. Take time to be with your friends and family.
Know that it will end
No matter how big or difficult, change comes to an end when the new circumstances are in place and become familiar. Normality will return. Keep this in mind.
-Tundi