Parenting is possibly the most difficult occupation in the universe, or at least on earth. You have nine months to plan, a trip to the delivery room, a wish of “congratulations”, then off you go to begin your new occupation. But how many of us really know what to do? Most of you, like me, had more training before getting your drivers’ license than before you became a parent which seems backwards.
I have had the opportunity of experiencing this joy twice. I have an adult son who is two years older than his adult sister. My daughter was a special challenge because she was born with a profound hearing loss. I’m afraid that I did not begin my job as a new parent, even with my son, with all the knowledge I needed for the job. I acquired some of what I needed to know as my children got older. In fact, I’m still learning about how to be a better parent and practice those new skills on my four grandchildren. I would, however, like to share some of the things I learned about becoming a better parent over the years, and hope that information may be helpful to some of you facing similar challenges.
Communication is the most important ingredient in any relationship and family, particularly those with children. My daughter’s hearing impairment forced me to learn how to communicate with her through an entirely difference language – sign language. It was important to honor her language rather than force her to use mine so she could be proud of herself. Communication can take many forms such as writing, drawing, and using your voices to communicate with each other. Non-verbal communication is also important. Body language and tone of voice speak volumes. One of my friends successfully communicated with her adolescent daughter by writing back and forth to each other. It enabled them to discuss scary things and work out problems. Expose your children to different ways of communicating so that you can find what works best for both of you.
All children benefit from positive role models. Some parents may fill that position, but not always. Hearing children find role models easily, but deaf children don’t and benefit from a deaf role model. My daughter was fortunate enough to find hers at the age of seven. The local school district in Texas, where I lived as a single Mom, wasn’t the best place for my daughter to be educated. I researched and found a private school in Oklahoma that I thought would be better for her. Her teacher at the new school turned out to be the perfect role model. They both wore hearing aids andhad red hair. The excitement on my daughter’s face and her comment that her teacher is “just like me” was worth placing her in a residential school, where I could only see her once a month, until I could arrange to transfer with my work.
As parents we train and discipline our children during the “parenting” years. Those of us raised in the 1950’s and 1960’s, thought a “good spanking” would take care of most problems. Putting breakables out of the reach of little ones was also the recommended way to go. Unfortunately, putting things out of reach didn’t work with my daughter. She seemed to have the uncanny ability to find what she wanted no matter where I put it. One day I found her, at the age of three, on the top of my refrigerator with her hand in the cookie bag and cookie crumbs all over her mouth.
Children respond to positive discipline better than they do to negative disciplinesuch as the spankings I had been using. Actually, positive consequences increase appropriate behavior. Imagine that! Consistency is the most important part of discipline. Consistency helps children learn they can depend on what will happen when they do or don’t follow the rules.
Praise and attention are given during or immediately after you witness your child’s behavior that you want to see more often. You get what you pay attention to the most, so ignore negative behavior as much as you can. Pay more attention to the positive things they do, and see if those will increase. Also, give praise and attention for minor appropriate behaviors rather than waiting for something major to happen. This will help to shape and encourage those major positive changes in your children.
Rewards and privileges are explicit consequences for specific behavior. You can explain the consequences before, or sometimes after, a behavior. Rewards help children feel good about themselves and encourage them to try using those behaviors again. However, don’t ever use rewards and privileges to stop misbehavior. That’s bribery which only teaches your children to misbehave to get a reward.
Suggestive praise commends children for not misbehaving. You can say things like, “Thank you for not slamming the door and closing it quietly” when they would normally slam it. Be sure and use this before misbehavior occurs. Make sure your children understand what they are not doing that pleases you.
Avoid overprotecting your children. All children are entitled to learn to function independently of their families. As parents, we can’t always be there to “rescue” our children from the consequences of their behavioral choices. In fact, I believe we do them an injustice when we even attempt to do so. What is going to happen to your child the first time you can’t be there to save them? I discovered that my daughter could take care of herself even after my years of attempting, in vain, to train myself to stop overprotecting her. She convinced an airline ticket agent, through writing because he did not understand sign language, that she did not have the amount quoted to send her possessions home with her from school but needed to do so. He allowed her to ship everything for a price she negotiated with him. I’m still not sure that I would have been as successful as she, and he spoke my language.
When problems arise that you don’t believe you can solve alone, seek the help of a professional. Make sure the professional you choose has experience working with your particular problem and/or the makeup of your family. Confirm their specialties by asking to see their training background. Also, once you start working with a professional, if you don’t feel comfortable working with that individual, stop seeing themand find someone else. The better the relationship you can develop with your therapist, the better they can help you.
Invest in a parenting class. While Love and Logic Parenting, which stresses the use of natural consequences, seems to be the best for most adoptive families with whom I’ve worked, you can find ones that meet your specific needs. In fact, Andra, an Arise coach/therapist, offers a parenting class which teaches strategies that keep parents sane while dealing with their adolescents.
Being a parent, although difficult at times, can be one of the most rewarding jobs of your life. An anonymous poem I discovered may give suggestions which will enhance your parenting abilities.
If you can keep the warmth of happy memories while applying the lessons of experience,
If you can take what each day offers and shape it into something meaningful,
If you can look forward to each tomorrow as a step that brings you closer to your dreams,
If you can find satisfaction in trying as well as in attaining your goals,
Then you’ll live your days to their fullest and enjoy the best that life can hold.
Consider living your life this way and passing that attitude on to your children. It just might improve everyone’s life.
-Janice