We are entering the most difficult season for those who have lost a loved one. Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s are filled with love and joy and laughter. Memories include that one who will be missing this year. As you anticipate the upcoming days, you may be wondering how you are going to make it.
A few days ago, an article popped up on my Facebook feed written by a gentleman who had lost his wife. I want to share some of his thoughts with you. I imagine anticipating the holidays is incredibly difficult, much less planning for them. My hope is that if all you can do is skim the comments in bold, these days will be a little easier for you.
1. Understand these days will be difficult.
Thanksgiving without your loved one may be unimaginable. When Dan Wheeler’s wife passed away, his daughters included him in their traditional dinner with his son-in-law’s parents. They set a place and a chair for his wife to honor her. While the day was excruciating, he made it through. Upon returning home, he “begged God to give me the strength to make it through Christmas.” He knew he had to get ready to celebrate Christmas and the other firsts that would come.
As you anticipate these special days, include your children in deciding what you will do. They are grieving as well. These days will be hard for them, too. Grieve together and love one another during this time.
2. Express how you feel.
It is ok to cry and to talk about what you are feeling. Sometimes a change of scenery for a short time is helpful. The tears are healing and releasing.
3. Celebrate holidays as a way of honoring their memory.
What were your loved one’s favorite traditions? The Christmas Eve service at your church? Special songs? The menu you had for Christmas morning? Picture your loved one with you experiencing the things you did together. These activities might be very painful and yet still be comforting.
4. Live in the moments you have.
Wheeler talks about a new tradition his family started to celebrate his wife. His wife’s birthday was early in the new year. He and his family went to her favorite restaurant and ordered the breakfast she always ordered. After breakfast, they bought helium filled balloons in her favorite color, wrote messages on them and released them into the sky. They also do this on the anniversary of the day she passed away. What is a new tradition you can start to celebrate the one you love who is no longer with you?
5. Hold on to hope.
As special days passed in that first year, Wheeler began have a sense that things would not always be as difficult.
Many who have lost loved ones experience guilt. Why are you still here and healthy? Did you do enough? Were you a good enough spouse/child/sibling? Could you have done more?
You might want to imagine what your loved one would say to you today if you could talk together. How would they want you to celebrate special days?
6. Lean on your family and friends.
As much as you feel alone, you aren’t. As difficult as it is for you, your children, your extended family, your friends are grieving, too. Let them know how you are feeling and let them talk about the one who has passed, let them remember with you.
7. Remember God is with you.
He is the Comforter. As alone as you might feel, He will never leave you.
I was 19 and four hours away at college when my father suddenly passed away. I had always been Daddy’s Girl. There were times when I asked God to hold me and I physically felt His arms around me, holding me. He will be there if you let Him be there for you.
Many who have suffered loss say that the holidays and special days get easier as time passes. This may or may not be true with you. In their book, Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Zonnebelt-Smeenge and De Vries say to face these hard times as directly as you can. Think about how you would like to celebrate special days, journal your thoughts and feelings, and allow your community to join you. Grief takes work. One day at a time. You can do this.
Reference List:
Stern, Bo. Excerpt from When Holidays Hurt: Finding Hidden Hope Amid Pain and Loss.
Wheeler, Dan. “How to Survive the First Year of Grieving a Loved One”
Zonnebelt-Smeenge, Susay and Robert C. De Vries, Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Baker
Books, 1998.