“Unrecognized or unspoken unrealistic expectations or fantasies about a lover or a spouse and about a relationship can lead to disappointment, and it is one of the most common causes of conflict in relationships.”
We all have expectations in relationships, and especially when it comes to marriage. Our desires, thoughts, and even our “rules” about relationships begin forming in childhood, and they continue throughout our teen and young adult years, as we are shaped by our parents’ marriages and as we absorb societal messages about finding our life partner and creating our own family. We all have expectations in relationships, and especially when it comes to marriage. Our desires, thoughts, and even our “rules” about relationships begin forming in childhood, and they continue throughout our teen and young adult years, as we are shaped by our parents’ marriages and as we absorb societal messages about finding our life partner and creating our own family. Further, our own experiences in friendships and romances further shape our expectations. Deep inside, we often believe our partner or our spouse will somehow finally heal our deepest emotional wounds and provide us with the life and love that will soothe our longing.
When we enter a relationship, we may be aware at some level that we have expectations, but they often remain unspoken and hidden from our partner, and sometimes even from our own consciousness. Pat Love, Ed.D., in her book Hot Monogamy, explains:
“When a couple is still infatuated with each other, you don’t need much because you’re still enjoying that chemical high. You expect very little, you feel great, and you’re spending a lot of time trying to please each other. But as the relationship deepens, expectations change. And when you’re not getting those needs met, suddenly your partner can do little that pleases you — everything seems annoying. Every frustration just proves that your relationship’s not right, not good. You may start arguing, but not about the real issues that are bothering you.”
Having unrecognized or unspoken unrealistic expectations or fantasies about a lover or a spouse and about a relationship can lead to disappointment, and it is one of the most common causes of conflict in relationships. It is crucial that you identify and confront your expectations for what a fulfilling relationship or a “happily ever after” marriage might mean to you. This requires being brutally honest with yourself.
For instance, if you’re a woman who is happy working, do you deep down inside expect your husband to support you after marriage? As a man, do you expect that your wife will remain slim and in good shape throughout the marriage? Do you expect that your husband will share pleasantly with you the events of his day when he gets home from work? How do you think each of your spending habits should look? Do you have expectations for your sex life? Will you be involved in the church and in community activities or enjoy a thriving social life together? Do you expect your husband or wife to work moderate hours, have sufficient quality time with the family, and provide your family with a certain standard of living?
These built-in “fairy tale” expectations, along with many others that may be present, are definitely important to identify and understand for yourself. And please know that not all expectations are unreasonable. Many are valid, healthy, and realistic. So, don’t discount or ignore them.
Ultimately, a fulfilling, lasting relationship or marriage will not be easy or always happy. Great relationships require hard work both individually and as a couple, and self-awareness and good communication are essential in sustaining them. Your partner will not be able to fulfill all of your needs, and cannot be the only source of your happiness. Do your internal work, and encourage your partner to do his work. As you both discover your expectations, needs, and desires, share them with each other in a loving, respectful manner. Discuss which expectations you can meet for each other, and identify which expectations are not realistic or attainable. Use that as an opportunity for delving into further communication and compromise, or it may lead you or both of you to further personal discovery and growth. And with personal discovery and growth come deeper, more fulfilling, happier relationships with others.
Connie Jones, MA, LPC| 770-862-6088