What is the goal of parenting? According to the American Psychological Association “parenting practices around the world share three major goals: ensuring children’s health and safety, preparing children for life as productive adults, and transmitting cultural values.” Most parents would agree these are important goals and there are plenty of resources available that offer great information and various tools that foster these outcomes, but instead of sharing more of your typical information on parenting, I would like to share a bit of revelation from the book of Proverbs that offers a deeper and more profound perception why the parenting approach we choose is so important to attain the basic goals mentioned and beyond.
Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way they should go so that when they are old, they will not depart from it.”
On the surface we can understand that general statement, but where are the instructions on how? Why didn’t God reveal through the writers the best tools for raising up a child? Maybe it is because it would take up too many chapters in the Bible, but my take on it is because every child is uniquely created, and there is no one size fits all formula. Furthermore, as a parent Himself, the Creator of all humanity desires to give us individualized revelation for our family as we seek Him and develop a personal relationship. Even so, there is more we can glean as we take a deeper look at the original intent of the Hebrew words that gives us insight into the power of parenting.
Proverbs 22:6 may not give us detailed instructions on how to train up a child, but we can learn some key principals about the parent/child relationship, how we show up in that role, and why it is important for cultivating the goals of parenting. Before we jump into the word study, it is important to know that every Hebrew word leads back to a foundational root word unless it is the root word itself, and they are interpreted by their function or purpose rather than simply their form which is how we often understand the word in English. For now, let’s look into the Hebrew word for train, which is chanak. It simply means “to instruct or to dedicate”, but if we really want to understand we need to follow it back to its root. In this case it is the word chek which means a palate, roof of the mouth, or gums. If you are wondering what in the world training up a child has to do with the palate, which is considered to be the roof of the mouth, we need to ask what are the functions of the palate? According to science, it is an organ of taste, speech, and sometimes affection, but it is also interesting to note that it is involved in several bodily functions such as breathing, swallowing, digestion, as well as articulation or formation of speech.
The Hebrew writers of the Scriptures understood that our soul is shaped through sensory learning. When we have an experience through one of our five senses, especially repeated experiences, we begin to form a perception of our experience and ourselves through experience that leads us to feel safe, loved, and protected, or feel unsafe, rejected, and threatened. It is a Biblical and scientific fact that we learn through love or fear-based training. Depending on our experiences we may learn to chew on fear-based thoughts or love based thoughts which become digested in our soul and forms how we talk to ourselves and others.
Although we don’t have control over our children’s choices or outcomes, and that is not something that works out well if we try to do, we are designed to shape and influence those choices and outcomes in different ways at each stage of their development.
Of course, we love our children, but often we don’t love their behavior or how they are talking to us, and we may try fear-based parenting because that is all we know, or it is the only way we get results. I know this well through my own experience before my professional training and experience. What I have learned is that we train people how to treat us, and if I train through fear my results are temporary at best with very little learning and growth. I wanted my kids to welcome my influence, so I had to offer them a different diet to digest so to speak. Although we went through some rough teenage and young adult years, but I have continued to grow as a parent and focus on how I could be a trusted coach and consultant with influence so they could reach their own goals of wellbeing, life purpose, and prayerfully embrace a loving relationship with God.
We can start by asking ourselves does our parenting style leave a sweet or bitter taste in our child’s mouth. I realize that can be a very challenging question to ponder as a parent, but it is vital to ask ourselves from a place of curiosity and not judgement. Maybe there are some small tweaks you can make in your reactions, or maybe you need a counselor or spiritual mentor who can guide you through some deeper heart transformation. Either way, it is vital that no matter where we are in our parenting role, you embrace the abundant grace that God offers along this journey to wholeness. He sees you, and as the most loving parent of all, He desires to train his children in the way they should go and that includes parenting so we will not depart from Him in the process.
— Andra Prowant
CADC-1, CERTIFIED LIFE COACH, COUNSELOR