Many times in counseling, someone comes into our office because they are experiencing a level or stress or dysfunction with someone else in their life that they can no longer endure. This may be a relationship with a co-worker, or a parent, or a spouse, or a close friend, or a child… but the dynamic is always some version of the same thing: the person realizes that they have come to a breaking point in the relationship and that something MUST change. The million dollar question however, is HOW is this change going to happen?!
One of the hardest parts about being in the role of the counselor, is learning how to lovingly and tenderly deliver the news that, no we won’t be discovering some magical way to make this other human, who they are so frustrated and bitter with, see how stupid/wrong/foolish/hurtful/immature they are being, and to make matters worse, we can’t even guarantee that this other person will in fact change. To add insult to injury, many a client is very dismayed to learn that the process that we actually advocate for, is one in which THEY (the one who has been so wronged and trod upon) actually begin to do the changing first, without even so much as an apology or admission of wrongdoing by the other person.
It’s amazing that anyone comes back!
When I saw Dr. Timothy Keller’s thoughts above shared earlier this week, I immediately thought of this process, and can testify that his description is very accurate. This process does feel brutal. When someone is suffering in a relationship dynamic that is dysfunctional, I’m very compassionate of just how gut-wrenching and agonizing that experience can be. When someone loses the capacity to manage their own life and emotions (or never learned how in the first place) everyone close to them suffers, even those who are trying their darnedest to help. However, that doesn’t change the fact that while finger-pointing and blame shifting may make us feel better in the short run, they do nothing to help solve the actual problem.
So what does? In a word, the answer is: repentance.
The word “repentance” that Keller uses has a lot of religious connotation, so it may be confusing or unhelpful for some, but allow me to explain what it is that this word means, and how it is “the only way to be healed.”
First off, let’s clear up what repentance isn’t: repentance isn’t taking all the blame for the dysfunction in a relationship. One of the modern connotations of the word is that repentance is the same thing as remorse, or regret, but as we’ll come to see, this misses the key dynamics of what actually makes repentance so powerful. One of the simplest ways that relationships go sideways is that one of the partners in the relationship begins to slowly but surely take responsibility for managing ALL of what is happening in the relationship, including the actions and emotions of the other person. This is what’s known as co-dependency and definitely is not healthy or recommended. Repentance isn’t saying, “It’s all my fault, or I’m to blame.” So what is it?
We get our English concept of repentance from the Greek word, metanoia, which literally means “to change your mind”, and this gets us to the heart of what makes repentance the only true pathway to healing. Repentance isn’t about taking all the blame, it’s specifically about a willingness to first and foremost seek healing by focusing on changing yourself.
The big shift happens when we can come to see that our primary task isn’t proving our innocence, or even convincing the other person that they need to change… but choosing to pursue integrity within ourself. Most of the time when I get talking to someone about a broken or strained relationship, they reveal that they’ve felt internally that something was wrong, or needed to change for a long time. However, instead of paying attention to those feelings, or getting them out in the open, they get pushed down, ignored, avoided or medicated because they conflict with some other part of ourself.
I want to open up and share what’s on my heart, but one part of me is so afraid of getting hurt, or rejected.
I want to set a boundary and create some distance from the dysfunction but at the same time, I’m terrified of being so far outside of what’s familiar.
I hate what they’re doing, but some part of me can’t seem to stop jumping in and cleaning up the mess when it happens.
Repentance is recognizing that the first relationship that always needs to be repaired, isn’t between me and any other person… its between me and the still small voice inside me that knows what is right and true and brave. It’s recognizing that as much as we may be legitimately frustrated and hurt by what someone else is doing or has done… we are at least as frustrated or even more upset with the parts of ourselves that have tolerated and excused the dysfunction.
So, if you’d like to begin this change, I want to invite you to begin the repentance process by making a pledge to yourself that goes like this:
Today, I pledge to pursue my own healing and wholeness by first and foremost keeping watch over my own heart at all times, because it is the source of my life and integrity.
In order to do this, I will:
- Learn to become of aware of what is happening in my heart by feeling and not suppressing my emotions/bodily sensations.
- Seek to understand what these emotions are connected to from my lived experiences.
- Acquire the skills and tools necessary to manage what happens in my heart in a way that maintains my integrity and promotes my growth and healing.
If you need help along that journey, we are here to support you every step of the way!
Jesse Dukes, MA, LAPC