“This is just how our family is…”
If you’ve ever found yourself saying those words, or hearing them, you’re not alone. As a family systems
therapist, I often sit with clients who are unknowingly carrying inherited emotional legacies. These
patterns shape the way we think, parent, relate, and react. But here’s the truth: Just because it started in
your family doesn’t mean it has to stay in your family.
Let’s talk about how generational patterns show up and how to finally break free.
What Are Generational Patterns?
Generational patterns are emotional, behavioral, or relational habits passed down through family lines.
They’re the unspoken rules and responses we absorb through repetition, not instruction.
Examples include:
● Explosive anger instead of healthy communication
● Silence and secrecy instead of emotional vulnerability
● Self-sacrifice over self-care often in women
● “Strong and silent” expectations for men
● Substance use modeled as stress relief
● Repeating cycles of divorce, abandonment, or abuse
Lisa’s Legacy of Silence
Lisa came to therapy feeling emotionally exhausted. Every time her daughter had a meltdown, Lisa shut
down. “I just freeze,” she said. “I don’t know how to deal with big emotions.”
Through our work, we traced that back to her childhood. Lisa’s mother never talked about feelings. If Lisa
cried, she was told, “You’re fine. Stop it.”
Now, as a mother, Lisa wasn’t cold—she was conditioned. It wasn’t her fault…but it was her responsibility
to break the cycle.
How to Identify Generational Patterns in Your Family
Ask yourself:
● What do I do automatically under stress that I don’t like?
● What do I say to my kids or partner that I swore I never would?
● What emotions were off-limits in my childhood home?
● Are there “rules” in my family no one talks about but everyone follows?
● Does this reaction feel bigger than the situation?
Patterns often hide in phrases like:
● “That’s just how Dad is.”
● “We don’t talk about things like that.”
● “You’re too sensitive.”
● “Boys don’t cry.”
● “Don’t air our dirty laundry.”
Breaking the Pattern: 5 Steps to Start the Work
● Name It and Claim It
Before you can change a pattern, you have to see it. Use journaling, therapy, or conversations with trusted
people to explore what’s been handed down.
● Feel What Wasn’t Allowed
Generational healing requires emotional permission. If your family avoided sadness, grief, or
anger—reclaim the right to feel those things.
● Create a New Script
Instead of reacting how you were trained, respond with intention. Ex: “In our family, we talk through our
feelings—even when it’s hard.”
● Talk About the Cycle Openly
Healing happens in connection. You don’t have to blame your parents, but you can name the pattern.
● Get Support
You don’t have to do it alone. Therapy gives you a safe space to unpack family baggage and develop new
tools.
You Are the Pivot Point
Breaking a pattern doesn’t mean rejecting your family—it means loving your future more than repeating
your past. You are not weak for wanting change. You are strong for being the one who sees it.
Generational healing starts when one person says:
“This ends with me. And something new begins.”
Want to go deeper?
As a Licensed Professional Counselor and Family Systems Therapist, I help individuals and families in our
community rewrite their relational legacies. Whether you’re parenting through hard seasons, navigating
conflict, or seeking deeper healing, there’s a path forward.