Think about your phone for a minute and all the things you can do with this powerful device. Maybe for you that’s catching up on news, watching movies, sports or TV, browsing social media, calling friends, checking email, getting directions, the list goes on and on… but engaging in all of those activities depends on one variable that you can’t always control… which is the strength of your connection.
We’ve all been there before right?
You have these grand plans for what you want or need to do on your phone, but your connection is terrible and so nothing works like its supposed to. Apps don’t work, webpages don’t load, text messages don’t send… its completely changes the experience. The experience goes from something that is delightful, enjoyable, exciting and enticing to something that makes us want to pull our hair out and sucks out our soul.
When a phone or device is able to be connected… we say that it becomes smart. Now you can have not just a smart phone… but a smart TV, watch, thermostat, lights, blender… you name it. But if that connect gets severed or is weak… those smart devices become dumb.
So the same thing is true if we take this idea and apply it to relationships. Relationships are dumb without connection. When we have a strong connection with a partner, a coworker, a child, or a friend… all sorts of possibilities, options, and experiences become available to us.
Author and speaker Dr. Brené Brown says, “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” Do you believe this is true? I think its at the very least fair to say that when we don’t experience connection in our deepest and closest relationships, we feel something very similar to that phone without service; which is a profound sense of the loss of possibility.
In her book, Daring Greatly, Dr. Brown defines connection as: “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” Healthy connected relationships are essentially our life source. They give our lives real energy and sustenance, and power. So the vital question to consider is: How do we get to get there?
To answer that, I’d like to share a very simple idea that I learned while at a Winshape Marriage Retreat which has really become a foundational part of all that I teach in counseling. The process is called The Pathway to Connection.
The pathway to connection begins by understanding and appreciating all that we started with, which is that connection is the goal of all important relationships. It’s why we get married, why we get together with friends, what makes work relationships valuable and what’s missing when we want out of a relationship. When we have a strong connection with someone, we feel known, understood, seen, valued, alive and hopeful.
Another word that I like to add to this concept about connection is intimacy. When we have a strong connection with someone, we almost always experience intimacy alongside that, which (although it’s kinda cheesy) is best defined as “In-To-Me-See”. Connection creates a window into our hearts and allows us to be moved and shaped on the deepest levels. So the first idea of the Pathway to Connection lies in appreciating how these two dynamics of Connection and Intimacy are at the heart of all relationships.
Knowing this is great… but at the same time, it doesn’t exactly get us anywhere because no one has the power to simply create connection and intimacy out of thin air. Sure you may meet some and “just click” or have a strong immediate connection… but these superficial connections fade over time unless they are supplemented with the real thing. The experiences of Connection and Intimacy are like a delicious meal that has several different and distinct component parts that need to be prepared in order to bring them to life.
The necessary ingredients needed to create these experiences are openness and vulnerability. When you think back to what intimacy is, it’s easy to understand why openness is fundamental to creating it. If I refuse to be open, then there’s no way that you can “In-To-Me-See”. When there’s a lack of openness in a relationship, it begins to feel stiff, empty, hollow, and dry. You can sense that the connection is lacking, and there is an absence of intimacy. Openness means being willing to share and reveal important aspects of yourself, like your thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities. These last two aspects of openness highlight how the vulnerability is a vital ingredient that has to be a part of openness. To quote our good friend Brené Brown again, vulnerability is “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure”. It’s that unstable feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to loosen control. Part of what it takes to create a real strong connection is knowing that someone is willing to take a risk and relinquish control in order to deepen the relationship.
In our world today, vulnerability has become somewhat of a buzzword and is often tossed around in leadership circles, but truly being vulnerable isn’t the same thing as openness. People can be strategically open, where they reveal a part of themselves that isn’t completely flattering in order to give someone the impression that they’re being transparent and vulnerable. This is what is called “faux-nerability”. True vulnerability is always a risk, and because of that, it can’t just come out of nowhere. You can’t even force people to be open… both traits have to be cultivated and encouraged. Just like connection and intimacy naturally emerges when you create an environment of openness and vulnerability, there is a pre-existing environment that is necessary to create if you hope to have relationships that are open and vulnerable. And that brings us to the special secret sauce of the entire recipe which is SAFETY.
The pathway to connection flows like this: When you aim to create an environment of safety, you naturally create trust because you communicate you matter to me. This environment of safety naturally creates the space for openness and vulnerability. Then as both members in the relationship begin to open up and allow themselves to be vulnerable, they naturally begin to deeply connect and progress towards intimacy. Without someone taking the risk to be open and vulnerable, you never get a deep connection and intimacy, but unless you intentionally create an environment of safety, it will be near impossible for someone to muster up the courage to take that step.
When it comes to evaluating a relationship system that’s having issues, one of the first question that I always ask each person involved is, “How safe do you feel to be open and vulnerable with _________ ?” Depending on the system, that person in the blank may be a romantic partner, a coworker, a friend, or a family member but no matter the system, if there’s dysfunction, there’s always someone who doesn’t feel safe enough to truly be vulnerable.
One of the greatest values of the counseling environment is that it is the first place that many people find that is truly safe. Where they can be open and vulnerable without fear of losing connection. This is why the therapy room is where so many people begin their journey of healing. But at Arise, our goal isn’t just to be a safe place… but to help equip and empower you to be a safe person who has the skills and vision for how to create powerful authentic connections in your closest relationships. If you’d like to state the next step in your journey, we’re here to help!
Jesse Dukes MA, LAPC