Have you ever thought about what your values say about you? Or have you evaluated another person’s values and uncovered core beliefs that person was living? To identify our values, we can ask in what our money and time are invested. The same can be said for clarifying another person’s values by evaluating what that person supports. Grasping you and your intimate relationships’ values are essential to relational cohesiveness.
What is revealed from a person’s value system is core beliefs/identities. When we better understand our intimate partner’s values, we can see what is essential to them, giving insight into what’s at the person’s core. For example, having specific values such as family or wealth means that a person will invest in those things. Likewise, when we offer something our invested time and energy, it speaks to a core need of ours. If we value family, it may indicate our desire or need to be loved or give love. Seeing this value of family provides deeper insight into the core needs of ourselves and the ones we love.
When relational cohesiveness is off-kilter, exploring the other person’s values enables a deeper insight into the person’s essence, which helps the relationship come back into alignment. If the friend you have cannot live from their values, such as the family example mentioned above, they are in inner turmoil. Their values are at risk, and their core need for love is hindered. This friend might become depressed, anxious, distant, or rebellious. You begin to see behavior indicators of inner turmoil. The adhesiveness of the relationship will be impacted, but if you know that their values and needs are not being met, you can see how that is causing a core conflict. Then, you can address it to restore connection in the relationship.
In the intimacy of marriage, applying the recognized values and core indicators is essential for bridging the gap when conflict arises. So often, we aggressively address conflict in intimate relationships, which leads to even more conflict. Taking a step back and exploring the indicators of inner turmoil enables partners to address the real problems, not surface-level issues. For example, let’s say my husband has a medical condition that hinders him from doing the activities he enjoys. Because I know my husband’s value of free time on the lake fishing, which speaks to the core of his masculine heart for adventure, I can see clearly within the relationship conflict. By taking a step back, I can encourage my husband’s heart and create connection in our relationship.
Conflict most likely will arise if what is valued and the core identities are at risk. So, learning the values of ourselves and our loved ones enables uncovering of core indicators that can be addressed to enhance relationship wholeness. We want the ones we love to be free in the core of themselves, living from their values. Seek to gain clarity on your own values and those of your loved ones so you can create wholeness and deeper connection and understanding in your most treasured relationships. If you’d like support, I’d love to help!
Valerie Jackson, MA, LAPC