Do ever find yourself and your partner having a conflict, argument, or breakdown in communication? Does it seem like you two just can’t get along or find the right words to say? Does it ever feel like you are walking on eggshells, or tip-toeing around glass in your own home so you don’t start a fight? You are not alone, this type of behavior is based on a very common communication pattern that happens every day with seemingly ‘normal’ or ‘happy’ couples, friendships, or parent-child relationships. This breakdown of communication is deeply engrained within us, instinctually our natural response is to protect ourselves and our ego’s from previous trauma, adverse childhood experiences, past relationships, unawareness, or simply just for the sake of being right. Our ‘old’ brains are literally wired to go into survival mode when we feel threatened in some way. Unfortunately, for us now in the world we live in, it is unfair because this internal mechanism was built for extremely stressful situations such as finding food, fighting an apex predator, or trying to survive.
This is the biological reasoning behind why feel the need to protect ourselves. I believe people begin a relationship out of trust, hope, love, the feeling of safety, and companionship. Which leads me to assume that people do intend to purposefully hurt their partner. Of course, this happens to the best of us; we may say things we don’t fully mean, or we may take things being said to us out of context in a manner that wasn’t meant to be that way.
Understanding that this is only a survival mechanism is the first step to the beginning of creating a new pattern of communication. Because in reality, that’s all this is; a pattern or ‘dance’ of words being said between two people. The dance may look something like: “You didn’t load the dishwasher right, what’s wrong with you?” , or “You nag me all the time about doing household chores”, or “Why don’t you spend more time helping the kids with homework”. Most responses will have defensive walls up protecting the ego, inner-child, or rigidness which may look something like this, “You never told me how to load the dishwasher”, or “Why don’t you ever help me around the house?”, or “Because I’m busy doing other things for the family”.
Underneath all of the words is something much more important and the KEY on how to start a new form of communication. Maybe one partner is feeling invalidated, unworthy, unappreciated, neglected, worthless, exhausted, frustrated, lonely, the list goes on. Instead of talking about how we FEEL, naturally humans tend to blame, and criticize. The pain between the two people gets in the way of what they are actually trying to communicate. When we feel negative emotions such as the ones listed above, we are actually crying out for help, validation, and emotional safety of what’s going on internally; even though it comes out externally in a different dance or pattern. Once we understand our own dance, we can begin the process of acceptance, and validation for our actions and words that influence and fuel the dance. Learning how to perform a new dance can be difficult and take time. Just like the salsa, or ballroom dancing, if you’ve never been taught or guided on how then each partner will be lost to what specific moves are needed at what step. It is possible to mend emotional wounds and create your new dance!
Lauren Belding
BEHAVIORIAL THERAPIST