We all long to be understood. Don’t we? We want to have someone who would take the time to know us as a person—our interests, views, and lived experiences. Yet, the transparency and time required for that depth of relationship is often what we fear most. It requires a level of vulnerability and intimacy that is uncomfortable. Fear, anxiety, and doubt begin to creep in. What if they discover I’m not what they thought? What if they knew what I’d done? What if they leave? What if I never recover? What if I am not enough? What if? What if? What if? These lies can lead us to distraction and rationalizations as to why we don’t have time for ourselves or others. In turn, we lead lives of busyness and social pleasantries in isolation—void of real relationships or depth. We justify our cause. We think, “It is better this way” or “it is for their protection”. Our beliefs appear to be confirmed by the social media feed we see of others who seemingly have it all together adding to feelings of guilt and shame. We think “I’ll start, call, act tomorrow. I’ve got time!” And as such we remain in a pattern of inaction as the days, months, and years continue to pass. We start to believe we’re deficient, unsafe, unworthy, and unloved; we settle for lives of existence instead of thriving. We forget we were called to experience so much more!
I often think of relationships in terms of the root structure of various trees. As a young child, the magnitude of trees was astounding to me. Visually, trees are awe inspiring. The breadth of their limbs, the complexity of their structure, and perfect strength to support great height and curious kids looking for a different view of the world. How could such a grand structure come from such a small seedling? However, it wasn’t until I was older that I understood the tree seen above the ground and the root structure below as being equally significant. Naturally, it is easier to appreciate the fully developed tree we can actually see, but having an understanding of the process, the function of the various parts of the tree and their role in the health of it and the surrounding forest, is seldom questioned.
Until recently, I believed the root structure of a tree under ground must be just as massive as the structure above to provide the needed stability to keep it from falling over. An author speaks to this stating, “This is a common misconception of root growth, an incorrect perception shaped by ‘common sense’ assumptions, not scientific evidence” (Landscapeexpert). He goes onto say “humans like symmetry” which is why he believes the root systems of trees are often “depicted this way in pictures” (Landscapeexpert). He further shares a tree’s taproot, a vital part of the structure that helps to anchor as well as supply and store nutrients for the tree, does not continue to grow bigger and deeper as it matures as often thought (“North Carolina Extension”, Landscapeexpert). Instead, development depends instead on the presence of characteristics such as water, oxygen, and nutrients in the soil (Landscapeexpert). When the taproot is no longer able to access these resources, it stops advancing and adapts by establishing a horizontal root system to obtain the needed support from the surrounding soil (Landscapeexpert). Some trees grow quickly and are very tall like the Loblolly pines found in almost every yard in Georgia (“North Carolina Extension”). These pine trees seem to shoot up once the initial taproot and a foundational root system are established in a short period of time (Pickens & Crate, 2019). Yet, the root ball is vital to whether the tree will be able to reach its full growth capacity.
So why do pines seem to fall so easily during storms? One simple answer is imbalance; A lack of development of the tree’s lateral root structure creates asymmetry and foundational instability (Pickens & Crate, 2019). If trees rapidly progress before the foundational work of the taproot is complete, they can be left vulnerable to the elements and circumstances around them. Further, as conifer evergreens, pine trees don’t shed their needles or leaves as deciduous trees do each year during the colder months (“Parts of a Tree”). A White Oak, a form of deciduous tree, grows slower and adapts to the harsh winter conditions by shedding its leaves to reserve the resources it would require to maintain the leaves on the stems and branches (“Parts of a Tree”). By adapting in this manner, it not only reserves nutrition for the rest of the tree during the most critical months, but also looses the growing weight of the leaves from the top or crown of the tree (“Parts of a Tree”). Yet, for pines, the maturing of the tree can create a lot of dense weight that makes it difficult for wind to pass through (Pickens & Crate, 2019). The needles, which typically benefit the tree, can also create a “sail” like effect that “may catch the wind with enough force to push over sapling and small pole-size trees especially if their root system is poorly developed” (Pickens & Crate, 2019).
As individuals we often value being able to succeed based on our own accord. Like assumptions made about the taproot of trees, we mistakenly believe we can indefinitely grow our own roots deeper with the use of self-help books or other solitary sources. Although helpful in some situations, we can start to grow inward and experience stagnation without other supports in our lives. Instead of recognizing the need to adapt during the harsh seasons of life, we can be prone to choose the safety of familiar things and behaviors instead of reaching out for assistance. We seldom recognize the insanity of our logic as we expect our previous resources and abilities to meet growing life demands. Many times we are only jolted back to reality when we hear of the unexpected experiences of those who, on the surface, seem to be reaching new heights. We question the in-congruency. “They seemed to be doing so well”. Or worse, we experience the damaging winds of the loss of a job, separation, or death ourselves and discover we are uncertain where to turn for comfort. Our cracks begin to show under the weight of our complex experiences. Without well crafted roots, there is little hope we will be able to withstand the hurricane force winds of a major storm. We are at risk of toppling over.
Just like the taproot lays the ground work needed to develop a foundation, we must also be willing to act to advance needed supports in our lives. The moment we believe we are fully sufficient is the instance we stop growing; We are no longer receptive to allowing others into our lives. So how do we develop substantial roots that allow us to weather changes in our life?
- Be Intentional – Look for opportunities each week to engage with others. Focus initially on a hobby or interest that you enjoy and can share with others. If you are passionate about an activity or topic, you are more likely to feel comfortable and express yourself genuinely. Additionally, you are more likely to prioritize attending and find others who are engaging and relatable.
- Stop Comparing! – Even though we seldom want to admit it, it is human nature to want to gauge how we’re doing compared to others. Just like trees, people seem to grow quicker in certain seasons and others at a more relaxed pace. Assuming that others have it all together (or a deep root structure) is inaccurate. Everyone has been gifted with different abilities and skills. It is what makes us unique! Comparison steals our joy, minimizes our personal growth, and promotes insecurity, anxiety, and fear.
- Seek to Listen and Understand – Sometimes we make assumptions of others based on various characteristics and can dismiss the prospect that there would be anything in common with a person before engaging with them. At times, we enter into a relationship with the mindset of how it can benefit us instead of how we can help support each other. Even if you have nothing in common or disagree on topics, the opportunity can help you build perspective and understanding. Friendships and relationships don’t always work out, but they can teach you a lot about yourself and others if you take a moment to reflect on the experience.
- Be Present – Take a moment to slow down. We all want the flourishing friendships we observe in other’s lives. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for establishing a complex support system. Developing healthy relationships takes time and requires those involved to be mentally present. Remove distractions and choose to honor those with you with your full attention.
- Share – Healthy relationships should be supportive on the part of all involved and equally share time, talents, or resources with each other. Similar to a tree, the various parts must work together to create and provide nutrition to the entire system for the tree to prosper. Even though a person might need additional support in a difficult season, it is important to have balance in which nutrition and resources are returned to all individuals for the relationship to be healthy.
- Be Gracious – Recognizing that people have brokenness and are not going to be perfect assists in managing our expectations. Unrealistic or unmet expectations often result in anger and hurt. If we are not careful, we can let past situations or individuals keep us from trusting and developing new relationships or supports.
- Extend It – Be gracious with yourself! Often we can be our worst critics forgetting to extend the same forgiveness to ourselves that we would to others. Perfection is a lie that keeps us distracted. Ask yourself “Will this matter in a week, a year, five years?” Catastrophic thinking often creates unnecessary worry about a situation that doesn’t actually happen (i.e. What If?)
- Reach Out – Ask for help from a trusted friend, mentor, spiritual support, or professional. Acknowledging a need is not a sign of weakness, but shows a recognition of our own humanness and a willingness to grow! Sometimes the duration and intensity of a storm requires us to call on others who have different abilities and skills to provide comfort and teach us how to turn the pain into growth.
To be willing to fully mature as individuals, we have to redefine what it means to have supports in our life. The choice to stay longer, share more, and genuinely care for others is uncomfortable and at times painful. Yet, these are the things that build the trust needed to be known and to understand others. To have community in a fast paced society, we have to choose daily to see people and let others in. Personal growth happens at different rates and through various means but it can still occur if we are willing to journey the process and commit to placing one foot in front of the other. When we recognize the importance in sharing our story and the strength found in building community, we open the door to meaningful connection in our lives.
~ Rebekah Dingler, LPC
#whatif#anxiety#relationships#stayorgo#deeproots
References:
- Landscapeexpert, “Busting Common Gardening Myths: Trees and Taproot Development.” Rapport Development Consulting Services LLC, 24 May 2021, landscapeexpertwitness.com/busting-common-gardening-myths-trees-and-taproot-development. Accessed 7 Jan. 2024.
- “North Carolina Extension Gardener Plant Tool Box: Pinus Taeda.” NC State Extension, 5 Jan. 2021, plants.ces.ncsu.edu/plants/pinus-taeda. Accessed 8 Jan. 2024.
- “North Carolina Extension Gardener Plant Tool Box: Quercus Alba.” NC State Extension, 5 Jan. 2021, plants.ces.ncsu.edu/plants/quercus-alba. Accessed 8 Jan. 2024.
- “Parts of a Tree,” Richard’s Tree Service, 15 June 2017, richardstreeservice.com/about/resources/anatomy-of-a-tree.php. Accessed 6 Jan. 2024.
- Pickens, B. & Crate, S., “Factors that Influence Toppling of Longleaf Pine.” North Carolina Forest Service, Sept. 2019, ncforestservice.gov/publications/techBulletins/TRB013.pdf. Accessed 8 Jan. 2024.