You know those moments when truth hits you at the center of your being?
That instant when you hear something or read something and it cuts to your core?
And you feel a shift inside?
Well, I experienced one of those moments this week, and it brought to life for me some wisdom and insight that was life shifting.
This truth is not a new piece of information. It wasn’t for me. It’s actually something I teach and coach men and women about on a daily basis. But on this past Monday, it stared me in the face and cut to the heart of me in a new and personal way.
So here’s what happened.
As a counselor, coach, speaker, and writer, I often share parts of my story with my clients and audiences. As an intuitive and an Empath, one of my strengths/gifts is my ability to connect and share myself in a very real, vulnerable and courageous way.
As human beings, we are hard-wired for connection, and I in particular, need and value deep meaningful connection.
I also know how crucial connection and vulnerability are to healing and intimacy.
So, as I said, I have been sharing parts of my story for years with my clients. But recently, due to my own personal and professional growth and development and as a result of me stepping out into larger venues as a coach and speaker, I have started working with a coach who is helping me make a deeper impact on the hearts and in the lives of the men and women I coach, speak to, and influence through storytelling/persuasive narration.
This past Monday was my first session on Skype with my new coach. It was the first time I met him or even saw him and him me. And there I was on Skype face to face with him.
So, here’s this man with a British accent, polished, published as an award-winning author, professional actor, storyteller and he’s been working with big named speakers and authors for years.
Here I am this Georgia girl with a Southern accent, unrefined, and unpolished, and I feel like a mess – totally exposed and inadequate and unworthy.
But I managed to put on a confident face, and pull out the best version of myself and act as put together as possible. I moved into my high achiever performance mode.
That worked for me, and I began to feel engaged and more comfortable as the session went on.
I thought, ‘This is good. I’m intelligent. I’m gifted. I got this.’
I was doing fine.
That is until he asked me to do an exercise. He said to me, “You have ninety seconds to write down three of the most memorable and impactful moments of your life and then tell me about them.” Multiple memories flooded my mind, and immediately, I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I felt panicky.
I thought to myself, ‘What if I miss one that was more impactful? What if he thinks my memories are dumb? What if he’s going to ask me to include these memories into my story and I pick the wrong memories and they don’t have impact or I realize that my story is not that interesting after all?’
I sat for a few seconds running all of this over in my mind. Then, I voiced a couple of my more rational questions and concerns to him. He saw my anxiety, and he didn’t react or judge. He simply paused then compassionately said,
“Don’t judge it. Don’t worry or over think it – It’s not wrong. It’s your memories and they are valuable. They’re important.”
Then he reminded me of the quote from President Theodore Roosevelt’s speech, The Man in the Arena, and he said to me, “Connie, it comes down to you being willing to let yourself be seen.”
Wow. That truth dropped into my core and I felt a powerful shift inside of my soul and body.
‘Yes that’s it’, I thought.
That’s at the core of my worry/anxiety and deeper in my core fear and shame. If I let myself be seen, really be seen – it won’t be enough or it will be too much. I’m not enough.
Then my mind went to all of the instances in the last few weeks where the fear of being exposed as too much or not enough had kept me from being seen and known. And I felt sadness and grief.
And I see it every day in coaching and counseling my clients. Their fear of being hurt or rejected and their shame of not being enough or too much keeps them from truly showing up in their fullness.
Brene Brown says it so perfectly,
“In a world where not being enough or too much dominates us, and our fear of being vulnerable and exposed is second nature, it feels too scary, uncomfortable, and dangerous for us. The risk of getting criticized, hurt, or rejected is too great for us. But at the heart of us there is nothing more painful than standing on the outside of the arena looking in, whether it’s a new relationship, an important meeting or creative process or a difficult conversation with a family member or friend.”
So I ask you,
How do you show up in your relationship in your marriage in your work in your creative process?
Will you risk being vulnerable?
Are you willing to let yourself be seen?
Will you engage? Will you go all in?
After my coaching session on Monday morning, I went back and reread the speech, The Man in the Arena, from Theodore Roosevelt.
“It’s not the critic who counts not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marked by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.”
So I now know in a very personal, convicted way that to have the life I want, the relationships I desire, the impact I want to have, that I must dare show up and let myself be seen.
Hear me on this. We must walk into the arena with courage, a willingness to engage wholeheartedly. We must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.
Will you show up?