“The problem with parenting is by the time you are experienced, you become unemployed.”
– Unknown Author
There are plenty of resources on parenting, but learning the skills of parenting is primarily an on the job training with the goal of raising next-generation leaders with healthy relationships and responsibility. Yes, we want to transfer ownership of their life to them in age-appropriate stages from toddler to teen and young adult. However, do we really want to become unemployed in the end and lose influence?
Parenting is a Privilege
Parenting is a God-given privilege that is permanent, but we hold various temporary positions. We start off as CEO of their life, but the position we want to end up with is Coach and then Consultant as they become CEOs of their own life. It is so easy to lose sight of our goals when our toddlers, teens, and young adults challenge us, and we enter into the stress and struggles of the complex roles of parenting.
I have learned a lot of practical “how tos” in my own experience as a mom of two children now in their mid to late twenties and in my professional training, but what I would like to share are a few powerful mindset shifts and spiritual practices that empowered my parenting heart along the journey. I hope it will encourage you too!
Parenting With Patience
It takes patience to see the fruit of our labor, yet if we look at patience in the traditional way of waiting on a reward or the hopeful outcome we can easily become weary in the waiting. This is especially true when our patience goes from ten to zero because they refuse to listen or follow through with responsibilities or when we experience rebellious behaviors, or anxieties when our children are making risky choices such as abusing drugs or alcohol.
Even with adult children who are failing to launch in some aspects of life and in our lack of patience, we try to fix their problems. No matter what age our children are it is vital that we learn how to put on our “patience hat.”
This invisible hat empowers us to shift our focus in the waiting and keeps us grounded. The mindset around this kind of patience comes from the ancient Hebrew sages who said that patience is not primarily why you wait, but how you wait. Of course, we can hope for all the good seeds we planted in our children to produce good fruit, but when it doesn’t appear just yet or seems to be delayed, how are you going to wait?
How are you going to manage your mind, will, and emotions along the way?
Will you wait with peace or fear? Joy or despair?
Parenting Takes Grit & Resilience
It takes grit to be resilient and not just bounce back from setbacks, but to learn and grow from our own mistakes. It’s so easy to overly focus on our children’s behavior and avoid recognizing how our own triggers and reactions contribute to the problem.
I had to learn that if there was any chance for change, I had to do my part to break the unhealthy and unproductive cycle of reacting out of fear and frustration when my children didn’t listen or made risky decisions, or when I felt rejected.
Through my lens of curiosity rather than judgment, I asked God how I needed to grow and mature as an individual and as a parent. Besides marital relationships, those with our children will expose our triggers and deep-rooted lies formed in our past that put us into self-protection mode as opposed to connection.
To be resilient in the long run, it is vital to transform from the inside out and be able to access love-based truths.
Parenting Takes Endurance
It takes unwavering endurance to choose love and blessing, especially in seasons when it may not be returned. In my own parenting journey, I realized how easy it is to fall into the trap of speaking in agreement with the behavior I was seeing or to label them by their behavior or mistakes. What I didn’t understand until I started studying the power of words to bless or to curse from a Hebrew perspective is that they carry energy and power.
One area of authority that never changes as a parent is my ability to speak life or death, blessing or cursing over my children no matter what their age. Sometimes it is not what we say, but what we don’t say, which is why it is vital to be intentional to speak blessings and cancel any curses we may have spoken.
Curses are not just some “hocus pocus” we see in the movies, the word actually means to be insignificant, lightly esteemed, small, and deficient. It is easy to speak words that carry these types of messages to our children when we are angry, frustrated, or hurt. We can easily recognize some forms of word curses by the use of words like “never”, or “always.”
For example, he/she will always be lazy, or he/she will never be respectful or successful. You fill in the blank. Of course, it’s not just a one-time slip of the tongue, but these curses take root when they are spoken habitually. We, as parents, fail to take ownership and make adjustments.
We aren’t going to be perfect, but we can make progress by being intentional with our words and attitudes.