“Living the life I love is a moment by moment surrender of my picture, and a choosing to be present in each moment while listening to my heart whisper to me what it needs and desires. But I can only hear the whisper of the spirit in my soul when I am open to receiving it, when I am not holding on tightly to something else I am manipulating to get, or fighting to live in someone else’s story, which looks better than mine. “
We often hear the phrase, “You only live once” or YOLO. But during a tough time in my life, a dear friend said to me, “You actually only die once. You live everyday, and it can be whatever life you choose each new day.” Wow! I stopped and thought, “Yeah, that is so true.” As I pondered that thought further, I asked myself, what life do I want to live today? Am I living a life I truly enjoy? A life that I chose and that I love? I immediately heard a resounding “No!” come up from my starved soul, and a deep sadness washed over me. How did I get here? Whose life am I living? Why did my heart lose its voice in my life? I knew it had to change.
I began searching the deepest parts of my soul, and desperately sought God’s wisdom and truth about how to live the life of freedom and joy that He promises, the life that I had been missing. As I got still and quiet, I asked myself these questions. Why did I choose to live my life as I currently am and what would I change? What is my heart’s deepest desire? What do I long for? What makes my soul sing? What would it look like if I lived the life I enjoyed?
As the forgotten dreams and desires poured out of me, I began to see with so much clarity. Hope swelled up in me. It felt as though my soul was coming alive again. Yet, sadness emerged from deep inside as I realized that my soul had been buried alive in my body for so many years unable to speak its truth and imprisoned by fear and lies. My heart writhed with painful disappointment, which I had masked with control and self-sufficient striving. I was desperate for healing, for freedom, for true relief.
For most of my life, I had felt like a blind woman grasping desperately for some way out of the darkness. But no help came. I begged and pleaded, “I can’t see it. God why? Why do you allow every body else to find it so easily, but you keep it hidden from me like its some sick joke. Do you even care? Why do you leave me here like this is desperation with no hope for an answer, with just an ache, a longing to find the answer to a happy life, a meaningful life, the answer to soothe my pain, to give me what I’m looking for?”
It was in that time of darkness and in the realization of my utter brokenness, where I had no desire or energy to do anything but sit in solitude, ask the hard questions, and really choose to listen for them, that I began to hear truth. I asked God to remind me of the longings of my soul, the desires that even I had forgotten or pushed aside and the dreams in which I had lost hope. As my heart remembered, and my eyes began to see the things of beauty in the world, I felt such hope and aliveness wash over me.
In my desperation, I asked, “How do I get the life I want when I have felt such disappointment and pain for so long with little reprieve? I want more than anything in the world to feel whole and loved and free to enjoy a life I love, but I’ve made so many mistakes, bad choices, and I feel so stuck.”
It was then that I heard the answer of truth from my spirit. It said, “Connie, either you can continue to live in conflict, fear, and striving to achieve what you have been told would make you happy and what the world has convinced you would bring happiness, gratification, security to your life. Or you can let go of your picture of happiness and success and choose to really listen to and honor your heart’s desires and live in freedom, live in the joy of who you were created to be. You can live as the hero of your own story that God is writing in your life, but you have to be willing to expose the lies and face the fears that have kept you in bondage for years.”
After sitting with that truth for a few minutes, I realized that I had constructed a very detailed picture of what happiness and success would look like for me. Yet, no matter how hard I worked and how good of a person I was, how strong of a Christian I was, or how much my friends and family liked, loved, and approved of me, or how much I achieved or got in the world, it did not create happiness or satisfaction, and I never felt good or successful enough.
Gosh! Throughout all of the hours of counseling and encouragement from professionals, friends, and family, I had heard many times before that I needed to release my picture to God and surrender to His will, but that didn’t sound like a good answer. That was counter intuitive. “If I release my picture and surrender, then I’ll be forgotten, allowed to go without, and be miserable. If I don’t hold onto what I think I want and deserve, then I’m giving up and no one else will give it to me. I’ll just have to settle for what I get, and that’s no life. Who wants to do that? That’s dumb.” I thought.
But on that day, I heard and understood it so differently. I finally saw that it was the picture I had constructed in my mind that I had been chasing that was actually keeping me stuck and feeling trapped in my body and feeling so frustrated and disappointed in my life. I began to see clearly at that moment that my answers to happiness and satisfaction in life are not found outside of me. They’re not found in being perceived by others as smart, pretty, strong, or having it all together. They’re not found in having the right house, clothes, or car. They’re not found in being a great athlete or having a fit, healthy body. They’re not found in finding my life’s calling and doing God’s work. They’re not found in owning my own business or being successful in the business world, or in being a popular, sought after public figure. They’re not found in having a beautiful partner who loves me and chooses me, the perfect marriage, or by having children who represent me well and outshine their peers.
It finally hit me, that my lifelong journey of seeking people, places, and things in an attempt to find the answers to happiness, feeling loved had led me to feeling more lost and alone than ever. My true journey really needed to be experienced in the beauty of my heart. For it has been here waiting, all alone, inside of me all of this time, waiting for me to come home, to see it, to know it, to experience it. I felt sick with grief that I, too, had missed me, when I had been so hurt by the feeling that others had missed me, overlooked the real me inside, and had misunderstood who I really am inside for so many years.
Yet, the truth is that I am my answer, the authentic woman God made me in my soul and body. Living the life I love is being true to my heart, doing what makes my soul sing, enjoying the moments, and seeing the beauty in the world. It is choosing to be present in my body, honoring my heart’s needs and desires. It is living my truth in every moment and not missing a minute of life by worrying, selling out, comparing, fearing, trying to measure up, or seeking something externally. It is about choosing to live in the truth of who I am, who God is, and what He desires for me, which is much more than I can fathom for myself. It is experiencing peace that comes with stillness and listening to the voice inside of me, my spirit voice, which feels His love and discerns His guiding light and direction.
Living the life I love is a moment by moment surrender of my picture, and a choosing to be present in each moment while listening to my heart whisper to me what it needs and desires. But I can only hear the whisper of the spirit in my soul when I am open to receiving it, when I am not holding on tightly to something else I am manipulating to get, or fighting to live in someone else’s story, which looks better than mine.
So today, as I honor my soul and choose to live the life I love, to live as the hero of the story God is writing in my life, I invite you to ask yourself, “What would it look like if I lived my truth, if I honored my heart and lived a life I enjoyed? What makes my soul sing? What stands in the way of me choosing the life I love? What is it I may need to let go of that is keeping me from true freedom and joy?”
Connie Jones, MA, LPC| 770-862-6088