In relationships, especially close family relationships like; husband or wife, child, and parent, or siblings, we assume that the other person knows us or should know us well. Therefore, they understand our hearts and mind as we understand theirs. Unfortunately, that is often not the case. According to a study done at the University of Chicago, 50% of us overestimate our ability to communicate our thoughts and feelings clearly to those closest to us. We think we are understood but unfortunately, we are only understood about half of the time. Sadly and unknowingly we end up operating as if our knowledge is transparent and heard yet our communication ends up being potentially at least half of the time, clear as mud.
Our intent to communicate clearly is muddied when our communication is:
- Subtle
- Ambiguous
- Laced with unexplained emotion
- Does not address our need
Let me share a couple of simple examples:
Your 16-year-old son is about to go out on the golf cart and his nine-year-old brother really wants to go. He says to him, “you never take me anywhere and you never spend any time with me”. Your son immediately responds with “that’s not true, I spent time with you on Tuesday night helping you with your homework and I took you to Chick-fil-A last week.” What is your youngest son really trying to communicate? Most likely the thoughts and feelings behind the words he spoke are -“I feel left out when you go off with your friends and I really like it when we spend time together.” Unfortunately he only shared words out of his hurt instead of his need and in turn activates his brother’s reasoning brain and perhaps feelings of frustration.
Let’s look at another one. “A mom has had a busy week and has had much time to check in with her husband and children. She feels disconnected and needs some quality time to reconnect. She is looking forward to Saturday afternoon, she assumes everyone will be home as no one has told her of any plans or placed anything on the family calendar. Saturday at lunch, her oldest daughter, who had been sitting on the couch all morning on her phone, shares with her that she wants to go hang out with friends that evening. Mom’s response, “I’m so tired of that phone being your greatest focus. We never spent any time with you because you’re always on the phone or gone”. What is she really wanting to communicate? She wanted to spend time and to connect with her family. But she didn’t say that instead, she busied herself trying to get everything done to make Saturday evening happen yet failed to communicate her need to her family. Her disappointment is fronted with anger. Outwardly she is communicating angry and frustration but under the surface, she is likely angry at herself for not sharing her plans and highly disappointed that her need to connect will not be met. Her daughter likely responds out of her own anger or hurt and gets defensive or shuts down. Both are left with unmet needs covered with anger and disappointment.
These are very simple examples to show how we communicate part of our heart and truth but not the entire story, like the younger brother and the mom, leaving others unclear and often reactive. When we don’t understand the whole story we end up guessing and or reacting. Guessing happens when we try to fill in the blanks (needs) of the other person’s story and reacting happens when we don’t have the needs met in our story.
Knowing our needs is our responsibility to identify and communicate while working diligently to encourage others to do the same on their end. This allows communication to flow clean and clear between the two people communicating and keeps the mud out.
Here are some helpful takeaway steps on how to communicate clearly.
Speaking Solution:
- Know what you want to say
- Use I want or need language
- Speak to the DOs, not the DON’Ts
- Ask them what they heard
Listening Solutions:
- Think about the feeling
- Speak to the feeling
- Rephrase what they want or need
- Develop a plan together
Tundi Jones, LPC