What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? James 4:1
Because we live in a very Judeo-Christian culture, and because all of the counselors at Arise are Christians… we often draw wisdom and insight from Biblical ideas and themes. At the same time though, I know so many people who have been beat up and burned by Bible passages, so I’m always a little wary of sharing them in the context of counseling without a little bit of a disclaimer. The reason I want to share this specific piece of wisdom though is because I think it is one of the single most important ideas that anyone can learn in life. So if you’ll allow a few minutes, I’ll try to explain what this idea is, and how it can make a huge impact on your life.
The book of James is one of my personal favorites because while it’s a short read, it packs a serious punch in terms of wisdom and insight into the human condition. There is a sort of “no holds barred” directness in James’ writing that grabs you from the very beginning and won’t let you go. Even if you’re not a believer or a particularly religious person, this book is pretty interesting because James didn’t start out as a believer either.
You see, James was Jesus’ brother… but he wasn’t originally a follower of Jesus… in fact at one point, all of Jesus’ family thought he was out of his mind and tried to go forcibly collect him (Mark 3:21). But James’ life was radically redirected when all of a sudden, after seeing his brother be arrested and crucified by the Roman Empire, he experienced something that made him believe with absolute certainty that A. his brother Jesus had been resurrected from the dead and B. that his brother was NOT crazy, and instead was the Son of God. Which is pretty amazing when you think about it. We don’t know exactly what James saw or heard, but it had to have been pretty convincing. Like Pastor Andy Stanley says, “Imagine what kind of evidence it would take for you to believe that YOUR sibling was the Son of God.”
I believe that James’ direct and forceful style comes from a desire to make sure that no one misses an inconvenient truth that’s right in front of their face like he did. So his writing is big and bold and there’s possibly no greater example of this than the claim he makes in Chapter 4, verse 1, which is essential that all of the fights, quarrels, conflicts, issues, divisions, and deadlocks that capture your attention in the world can all be traced back to something that is happening inside of you.
Now, I can certainly understand how there may be some resistance to this idea. If this were true, that would mean that the fight that you’re in with your co-worker, or your spouse, or your relative, or your friend about the thing… you know… about the ridiculous thing that they said, or the foolish choices they made or the disrespectful tone they used, or the stupid thing they believe? If what James is saying is true… that would mean that the cause of this conflict isn’t out there with THEM… it’s inside of YOU.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? James 4:1
Do they?! If this is true, then the BAD NEWS is that if the issue originates within you, you won’t be able to continue to blame or condemn other people for it (even if they really deserve it and are terrible and annoying).
However the GOOD NEWS, is that if this is something that’s happening inside of you, a battle of competing desires, then it is potentially something that you can come to understand, and then learn to control and gain mastery over. This mastery of the “desires that battle within you” has the potential to bring an experience of deep internal peace and wholeness, that can exist independent of the actions or attitudes of those around you.
Wouldn’t that be nice? If you’d like to understand, keep reading.
Understanding of Our Bodies – Two Competing Drives
One of the great recent discoveries in the fields of biology, sociology and psychology has been a growing understanding of how a host of different biological systems in the body and brain work together in concert to create two fundamental drives that give order and meaning to our lived experiences. Polyvagal Theory posits that different parts of the brain are hardwired via the Vagus Nerve to many lower organs, such as the heart, stomach, intestines, and pituitary organs in very complex ways that help us navigate away from danger and into safety by switching back and forth between what is known as the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems.
Understanding the science behind all of this isn’t super important… what is important to understand though is that although our bodies and minds are in some ways endlessly complex and mysterious, in other ways they are somewhat simple. One of the unique things that mark the human experience is the dynamic interplay that we experience in our bodies as they navigate between two fundamentally different motivational energies that operate inside of us at all times. These two different forces are known as the Drive to Survive and the Longing to Connect.
Drive to Survive vs. Longing to Connect
In some ways, it makes good sense that there are these two motivational energies that co-exist within us. After all so much of what we experience in the world seems to boil down to the complex interplay between two different realities: Pain vs. Pleasure, Male vs. Female, Work vs. Play, Evil vs. Good, Order vs. Chaos, etc.
In our bodies though, we experience these forces primarily in two distinct emotional states which we will call FEAR and LOVE.
FEAR – (the drive to survive) motivates us to focus on and prioritize our own safety and survival at all costs through strategies of self-protection.
LOVE – (the longing to connect) encourages us to pursue long-term safety through a strategy of connection and bonding through strong, familial relationships.
While these can seem like touchy-feely concepts, it’s important to note that are not abstract ideas, but rather physical, biological systems (Sympathetic and Parasympathetic Nervous systems) in our bodies (or Flesh to use a Biblical term). And while many of the reactions that these systems generate happen on an unconscious level… there is a surprising amount of control and mastery that we can learn and practice to guide our minds and bodies out of the FEAR state, and into LOVE.
Unfair Fight- Fear the Hijacker
When it comes to a battle for control between these two states, things aren’t exactly fair. Fear can easily hijack us, and hold us captive because it is a LOWER/OLDER system in the body. Some parts of our brain and body are primed to detect threats and deploy resources in response in a matter of milliseconds… and this is a good thing! The challenge, however, is that FEAR is always standing at attention, ready to grab the wheel of your consciousness at a moment’s notice if need be.
The means that the emotional state of LOVE (which results in a felt sense of empowerment, connection and belonging) can only emerge by “overcoming” the fear impulses. So the questions that fear raises cannot be ignored, or avoided… they have to be answered and addressed with a strategy that brings safety and security.
Because of this, we must develop a deep awareness of how, when, where, and why we become triggered/snared/hijacked/governed by the FEAR state and devise wise strategies for how to calm those fears (renewal of the mind) and return to a state of LOVE.
In counseling terms, this process is called self-regulation. It is the ability to use self-care strategies like mindfulness, emotion processing, and breathing techniques to calm the body and clear the mind, in order to return to a more loving, embodied state of being.
In Biblical terms, this process is called “living by the Spirit” vs. “living by the flesh”. To “live by the flesh” is to be governed by the lower, older fear circuitry of our bodies. This mindset prioritizes short-term, self-protection, and self-gratification. Whereas someone who is “living by the spirit” is marked by self-control, peace, patience, joy, kindness, goodness, and ultimately love.
One of the reasons that faith is such a big part of all of our approaches at Arise is simply that we have all found that one of the greatest tools that you can have for calming the energies of FEAR, is the belief that none of what we experience and discover in life is an accident, or random, but that it is all happening within the will of a loving and compassionate Creator, whose very nature and essence is LOVE.
You see, our world naturally runs on FEAR. And FEAR isn’t necessarily a bad thing even, it helps keep us alive and moving. But if you are going to be able to win the battle within against fear, you will need something greater than fear in the deepest part of you. To be a human is to understand a deep truth about the world, that there is something out there that is even greater than just survival… there is a potential for a deep and abiding experience of LIVING, that is brought into clear focus when we walk in love.
But this way of being does not come easy. It requires diligence and practice. It requires attention and action. It requires repentance and renewal. But most of all… it requires a belief that you are not in this journey alone, and that there is someone out there who also believes in YOU! Our hope at Arise is that you begin the journey of transformation by beginning to believe that LOVE is your calling and your birthright. If you are ready to take the next step, any one of our team members would love to help walk alongside you.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
Jesse Dukes MA