Do you find yourself expressing your needs more than your partner, or does it feel like your partner expresses their needs more often than you do? This is typical in most relationships; one partner will express their needs more than the other but how does this affect your marriage or relationship? We all have needs and wants, this is an integral part of being a human being. Especially in a committed relationship or marriage. The science behind why there is this longing for safety and love is vast and embedded deep within our brain and psyche; it helps us make sense of our hearts and emotions. Every person deserves the chance to express their needs in a relationship, along with those needs being heard by the other partner. When this basic fundamental aspect of our relationships is not met, where do the dominos fall? How does this influence other parts of your marriage?
When we express our needs to our partner, we are reaching out for an attempt to create more emotional safety and connectedness. How does your partner respond to this bid? This communication pattern has the ability to create long lasting trust, safety, vulnerability, and nurturance in a relationship. However, it also has the potential to create defensiveness and criticism. When we add blame and criticism to how we advocate for our needs our role shifts the communication pattern negatively. Other roles that may shift the communication pattern negatively can look like holding on to resentment, or dismissal towards the other partner. The first step is having an awareness of our role in the communication pattern and the relationship that that role has with our emotions and behaviors. Sometimes there is a need for this pattern and awareness to be called to attention, this is part of why I love couples counseling and enjoy helping couples work through their conflicts while guiding how their needs are met, heard, and discussed. It is possible to create space for a new way of learning to develop which in turn catalyzes new behavior patterns and creates more positive emotional connections and safety between two people who have committed to a lifelong journey together.
by Lauren Belding
BEHAVIORIAL THERAPIST