Imagine what it would be like to communicate effectively and intimately with your spouse.
Communication is foundational to establishing and maintaining a strong happy marriage. There are four keys to a happier marriage. Are you willing to step up and try them out?
As a marriage counselor, I’ve seen numerous marital relationships struggle as a result of poor communication skills between spouses. As bad habits are repeated over time, negativity grows and eventually leads to deep resentment in the marital relationship.
Work and practice are required to change old habits, yet the effort proves to be worthwhile by the way it enhances the marital relationship. How amazing to see the energy between spouses drastically change with a greater understanding of each other.
Utilizing these four keys to communication will lead to greater understanding between the two of you and result in a happier marriage:
1. Be present with your partner and listen to your partner’s feelings.
Poor listening is a major cause of miscommunication. Good listeners do not offer immediate solutions or quick explanations and defenses. Good listening requires the listener to assume a non-judgmental position, making it safe for the speaker to express what she or he is feeling without fear of immediate rebuttal or condemnation.
2. Use mirroring to validate your partner’s feelings and to avoid misinterpretation in communication.
One of the most frequent communication problems between spouses in marital counseling is one partner who fails to validate the feelings of the other. When your spouse says something with which you disagree, validation is a way of supporting them and strengthening the relationship while maintaining a different opinion. Validation is a way of communicating the relationship is important and solid even when you disagree on issues.
“Further, as you listen to your partner, it is easy to misinterpret his or her words, and if so, your partner may likely end up feeling angry, hurt, or confused by your response. Mirroring is a practice that can help resolve this problem…”
Further, as you listen to your partner, it is easy to misinterpret his or her words, and if so, your partner may likely end up feeling angry, hurt, or confused by your response. Mirroring is a practice that can help resolve this problem. After your spouse tells you how he or she feels, repeat your interpretation of what he or she said, and allow your partner to acknowledge if that is what he or she meant. If your spouse says, “I feel left out when you go out with your friends and leave me home to take care of the kids”, the mirror response would be “What I hear you saying is that you feel lonely and left out when I go out with my buddies, and I understand that you feel that way.”
3. Express feelings instead of making assumptions or judgments.
When you communicate with your spouse on a feeling level you remove many of the risks of being misunderstood. Sharing feelings you have identified and named allows your partner to know what is going on inside of you, and he or she will be less likely to misinterpret your meaning. Also, when you put your own projections or perceptions into the action and the intention of your spouse you tend to evaluate or judge. Instead of making an assumption or judgment about your partner’s intent by saying, “I’m so tired of you ignoring me when I call you”, it is much more productive to express your feelings in an unassuming way with, “I feel hurt and ignored when I call you, and you don’t answer.”
4. Ask for what you need, and be specific about what that looks like.
Frequently in couples sessions, I see women who balk at asking their husband for what they want or need, and their reasoning is, “If he really cared about me, he would see how I feel and be willing to do it for me without me having to ask.” Or I hear, “I’m not going to nag him by asking him to do this or do that. If he wanted to, he would.” Yet, it is obvious that her husband does want to give her what she wants but has no concept of what that would look like.
“Good communication holds marriages together.”
Men and women have different needs and desires, and though you may want your spouse to be able to read your mind and know what you need and readily know how to give it to you, that often doesn’t happen. Don’t assume your emotions and needs are shared or known by your partner.
- Clarify exactly what you need and want
- Tell each other what that would look like if he or she actually did what you need.
Successful marriages are founded on a strong bond that exists between partners, which can only be formed by effective communication. Therefore, it is good communication that holds marriages together. Effective communication is a learned skill, yet with effort and practice, you will demonstrate your commitment to and love for your partner in new and valuable ways.
—Connie