Becca was a senior in high school when I first met her. She was forced into counseling by her parents after her teacher saw deep gashes on the inside of her upper arm. She brought with her a crippling backpack filled with past hurts that put her future well-being in great jeopardy. Unfortunately, her parents carried massive backpacks filled with pain of their own and were unable to help her unload her heavy burden. Her mom was miserable, frustrated and feeling completely stuck in her marriage. Her dad was sarcastic, uninvolved and a functional alcoholic. Often when people do not have the means or courage to face and fix the problems in their life, they redirect the cause of their pain to be someone else’s fault. In this case like many others, both parents’ personal torment spilled onto Becca. Dad who was unable to manage his crippling feelings of self-loading, would make crude and painful comments to Becca that would wound her at the core. Her mother, in an attempt to gain some sense of control and stay afloat the verbal abuse hurled at her from her husband would yell and criticise Becca’s every action. Nothing she did was good enough. These experiences became deep soul wounds in Becca’s heart which shaped her view of others and of herself. The internal messaging she developed from her soul wounds lined up with the family curse passed on from one generation to another. Each generation wounding the next with the same message of self-hate, doubt and mistrust. Becca questioned every decision she made, she trusted no one including her own feelings that caused her as much torment as the words and actions of her parents. Everything felt overwhelming and painful. She tried to gain some control of her life and stumbled upon cutting on social media. She found cutting to be on her terms, a feeling she could control, pain she inflicted herself versus inflicted someone else. At first, her cutting made her feel empowered and in control. She even found that the cutting allowed her mind and body to relax and keep the lies at bay. For the first time in her life she didn’t feel as hopeless and powerless.
What Becca didn’t realize was that the feelings of relief she experienced were as false as the pain and lies hurled at her by her father, mother and even herself. In the long run, she was confusing and resetting her body’s natural response system. She didn’t understand that her body and mind was reacting to the physiological threat her body perceived and was sending an army of endorphins to help address the pain. Endorphins are the body’s natural pain relievers. The word endorphin comes from the combination of two words, “endogenous”, meaning within the body and “morphine”, yes you know that word, meaning an opiate pain reliever. Our body was designed with amazing failsafes to get us through crisis and pain. Short circuiting the natural pathway of pain relief eventually reprograms the brain to tolerate a higher level of pain with less endorphins needed to address a crisis. Becca gradually found that she had to cut more frequently, new places and much deeper to get her brain to release the much needed pain relief. The realization led her to feel more confused, betrayed and hopeless than before. She was desperate to have relief but even more scared to trust anyone or anything.
Following her father and mother’s footsteps she looked around and found other “numbing medicines” to help her cope. She became passive aggressive and flippant towards her friends, promiscuous with boys and binge drinking at parties on the weekends. She learned to keep things at bay as long as she could jumping from one fix to another. She hid her pain and torment from the world just like her parents. Home was another story. She learned to release her pain on her parents just as her parents released their pain on her. Home was an emotional war zone, each member hurting each other more and more every day. Deep down Becca hated the fake dual life she lived and the overwhelming sense of hopelessness. She was as stuck as her parents, stuck in a horrible cycle of pain.
When her secret life of cutting was exposed she was furious and angrier than ever at her parents for their hypocrisy. They wanted her to go to counseling yet they were not doing anything different. Becca was initially incredibly resistant to counseling, She tried all sorts of tactics to avoid exposing her deep pain, shame and crippling hopelessness. Her parents were just as resistant, presenting their own facade like a shield in battle. After some time and a great deal of patience, processing, vulnerability, self-discovery and healing work she began to consider other options and the possibility that her secrets were lies. Lies that kept telling her more lies. She began to hope that these other options may actually lead her to freedom, fulfilment, joy and peace she so desperately wanted. She began to walk the journey of change and rid herself of the heavy lies, shame and hatred she felt and gave room for health, self-awareness, boundaries, connection and living freely and abundantly every day despite the trials and challenges life presented. Change is possible, options are a choice!
8 Possible Signs that MAY Indicate a Teen is Cutting:
Dr. Eastman from the Cleveland Clinic offers these good and practical suggests:
- Look for injuries from cutting or scratching (with a razor, paperclip or anything else that can break the skin), burns, skin picking, or hitting/punching one’s self.
- Look for multiple similar marks on teen’s skin in close proximity, or any wound or injury for which the teen doesn’t have a clear explanation.
- Notice fascination with self-harm (a sudden interest in peers who are engaging in this behavior; watching videos about self-harm online; a sudden interest in reading, learning or talking about self-harm).
- Notice desires to hide the skin. Not wanting to expose certain body parts, forearm, inside upper arm, upper thigh, stomach. Covering up in ways that seem suspicious (wearing a long-sleeved shirt on hot days, multiple Band-Aids or other wraps over the skin in an attempt to conceal injuries).
- Increased expressions of anxiety, stress, and/or symptoms of depression with a teen appearing (or reporting) to feel out of control or at a loss for how to cope with these emotions.
- A trigger event, often a rejection (from a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, family member, or fallout with a peer group that produces significant distress).
- Isolation, including shutting off from family and/or friends, spending more time alone than was typical for a teen before.
- Appearing ideal and perfect without any fluctuations in mood or response even when the situation warrants a higher emotional response. Teens are learning to regulate emotions and they need to work through them within their life scope to be able to have healthy coping and relating skills.
What to Do if you Suspect Self-Harm:
Show compassion. If you suspect that a teen is self-harming, or a teen shares that she or he is, it’s important not to panic. It does not mean they are actively suicidal.
What a teen needs now is compassion — and help. Validate emotions. Make it clear that there are better ways to deal with it and you’ll help figure those out.
Get help. The next step is to get a teen some professional help. Look for a mental health professional who has experience treating adolescents who self-harm. If you’re not sure where to start, talk to your doctor or school counselor.
It’s distressing to learn that a teen has been self-harming. But, with your support and a professional’s help, a teen can learn healthier ways of coping with tough emotions, relationships and life events.
Tundi Jones MA, LPC