Hiding out at home? Living in isolation? Peachtree City counselor Connie Jones shares her personal Reawakening…
“For it was only in that place of Solitude and total surrender that I was finally able to see truth, to receive wisdom and understanding, and to experience a freedom and a deeper healing I didn’t even know I needed, not only for my body, but also for my mind and my soul.”
“I lose my center. I feel dispersed, scattered, in pieces. I must have time alone in which to mull over any encounter, and to extract its juice, its essence, to understand what has really happened to me as a consequence of it.”
The words of poet May Sarton, in Journal of a Solitude, cut to the core of my soul. They speak such truth to my heart.
I know that place. I’ve been there many times.
But most recently, being in bed with pneumonia for the better part of four weeks was quite the reminder.
I hadn’t experienced anything quite like that. All I felt like doing was lying there in my bed in the quiet. I slept for most of the days and all night, and I stared out the window by my bed during the short times I wasn’t asleep. I couldn’t even muster up the strength to text or call anybody for several days there. Only a couple of people knew I was sick, and no one knew how sick I really was.
I was literally in solitude for days on end. I lost track of the days. There were some really dark moments and some scary ones. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I had taken two rounds of antibiotics and a full round of steroids. I had been to Urgent Care and gotten an IV in my arm and been told it was a bad case of Bronchitis. Two weeks prior, I had had the flu. Maybe my body was still trying to recover from that too.
But I had never been so sick for so long, and I was feeling worse by the day.
There I was, a strong, healthy, fit woman, who takes care of everything for herself, who runs a successful counseling and coaching practice, whose life work is helping other people seek healing for their wounds, mend their relationships, and improve the quality and satisfaction of their lives.
Yet, I was sick, really sick, and I couldn’t help myself.
I mean I could hardly sit up without being exhausted, dizzy, or nauseous. I had no appetite, no energy, and no desire to do anything but sleep. Reading, thinking, and talking were just too hard and too painful.
During those four weeks, life as I know it and as I live it, life in its fullness, its busyness, its challenges and its gifts, full of energy, people, purpose, and passion, that life ceased to exist.
I lay at the mercy of illness in my body and soul.
And I lay in Solitude.
For me, it was not just about being incapacitated physically by the illness. It was about being completely out of control of everything in my life for weeks.
I couldn’t work out. I couldn’t walk my dog. My schedule was booked with clients I couldn’t see, and I didn’t know when I would be able to see them again. I didn’t know how I was going to make phone calls that were piling up or maintain the daily functioning of my business. I had a house to take care of. I had tons of writing to do, a new coaching group and four speaking engagements to prepare for, and a couple of big projects on which I was working. I had loads of reading to complete, and I couldn’t even think straight. I didn’t have any income because I was unable to work. I didn’t even know how I was going to get up to get myself food and water some days.
Even worse, while lying there, I had no way to escape feeling the full force of all of my negative emotions that surfaced. I had no way to anesthetize the pain I felt, and I couldn’t distract myself from the depths of the loneliness and fear inside of me.
It was truly a dark night of my soul.
Yet, I had no choice but to surrender to the total loss of control and the eerie stillness of the Solitude.
And in that dark, scary place of surrender eventually emerged a light of truth, a peace like no other, and the beginning of a deep healing for my body and my soul.
After finding out finally after three weeks of being sick that I had Pneumonia, I started a third round of antibiotics and steroids, all kinds of supplements and nutrients, breathing treatments, and more iv’s, I slowly began to feel a little better. One day, I finally even felt like reading a little bit again.
So, I picked up my daily devotional book, and of all things, the title of that day’s devotional was “Solitude”. And the words of poet, May Sarton graced the space underneath the title:
“I lose my center. I feel dispersed, scattered, in pieces. I must have time alone in which to mull over any encounter, and to extract its juice, its essence, to understand what has really happened to me as a consequence of it.”
The words resonated in me.
That had been me.
That had been me in the last couple of months that led to my getting so sick.
For in the fullness of my life with all of its purpose and passion, I had slipped into trying to make life happen for me according to my hopes, dreams, and plans, and in my timing. I had forgotten that my business is not run by me, that I don’t control my life, and that I can’t manage everything, well, actually anything, on my own.
That had been me for the past couple of months.
Uncentered. Dispersed. Scattered. In pieces.
That realization was painful and humiliating, but I continued reading May Sarton’s words.
She wrote, “I must have time alone in which to mull over any encounter, and to extract its juice, its essence, to understand what has really happened to me as a consequence of it.”
I then continued reading the body of the devotional entitled Solitude, which had begun with the quote by May Sarton. Joyce Rupp, the author of the devotional, offered me greater wisdom and truth as she writes,
“As we empty the cup of ourselves, we have more space in our life for what is truly of value. This space frees us to receive the truths that arise from our deeper selves when we slow down and quiet the rush of our life. Solitude helps us to listen, to see with greater inner clarity what needs to be emptied and what needs to be received….Solitude is not always comfortable and comforting….Sometimes we come face to face with parts of ourselves that we have tried to avoid or ignore because they hurt too much or they challenge us too greatly….When we experience restlessness, loneliness, or other unwanted emotions in our solitude, we stay there with them. We don’t run away….We listen to the pain. We have compassion for ourselves. We trust that whatever is in our solitude will eventually bear fruit because God is there with us….As we mature on the spiritual path, all the moods and modes of our solitude are simply accepted as they are. We do less grasping of what we want and less pushing away of what we do not want. It gives meaning to our lives. It reawakens us to the presence of God in every aspect of our lives.”
As I read the words again and again, I felt such a wave of clarity come over me.
I realized that despite the look of success of my life on the outside, my soul, mind, and body were beyond exhausted and needed a major break. But my drive and my fear wouldn’t allow me to slow down and rest, much less be open to receive. There was too much to do, and I had to get it done, right now and all at once. I had to make it happen for myself. I couldn’t wait on God to do it. I had dreams, big dreams. I had desires, strong desires. I had plans, major plans. I couldn’t see that I had begun to ask God to bless what I was doing in my life, instead of daily seeking and trusting what He was doing in me and for me. Instead, in my overly exuberant passion and sense of purpose in life, I had taken on more than I could even begin to manage for myself in my life, and I had run out ahead of the God who had created those very dreams and desires in my heart.
Now it was clear that the illness, the time I had spent lying there in Solitude, where I was incapacitated and out of control, the time of seclusion, of isolation, and of withdrawal, as scary, grueling, and dark as it was at moments had been exactly what I needed. It had actually been a blessing, though I couldn’t see it or feel it at the time.
For it was only in that place of Solitude and total surrender that I was finally able to see truth, to receive wisdom and understanding, and to experience a freedom and a deeper healing I didn’t even know I needed, not only for my body, but also for my mind and my soul.
It was during that dark time in my Solitude, that I had experienced quite a Reawakening.
Connie Jones, MA, LPC| 770-862-6088