Boundaries – they are the unsung heroes that shape our relationships, the invisible threads that weave the intricate fabric of our vital connections. They are fundamental, not only in defining our personal space, but also in protecting the health and vitality of our relationships. Whether it’s with our partner, family, friends, or even colleagues, healthy boundaries are essential to maintain a sense of safety, openness, and connection. By defining and communicating boundaries, we establish a balance that lets us keep an ideal distance – a distance that prevents us from being engulfed in the tumultuous seas of others’ emotional struggles, yet is not so far as to sever the bond of connection. A well-established boundary can be likened to two individuals swimming in a pool together, maintaining enough space to move freely without invading the other’s area. Thus, the core definition of boundaries lies in achieving distance without disconnection – an art of balancing intimacy and personal space that ensures the thriving of our relationships.
At the heart of boundaries lies a deeper purpose that many people misunderstand. Many people mistakenly believe that boundaries are unnecessary, and we shouldn’t have to define and discuss them. My sense is this is because the conversations are uncomfortable, not because they’re unnecessary. Consider this, in order for a relationship to exist, there must be two separate entities, if there is not an other, who is different from me, then there is no relationship. What boundaries do, is that they clearly define the difference between me and you. Boundaries help us not just define ourselves, but they are also a process that helps us discovery a magical “right distance” between us, that helps stay connected, without either of us losing our individuality and identity.
A healthy boundary is one that grants us a sense of empowerment and autonomy within our relationships. Instead of feeling manipulated or controlled, boundaries allow us to steer our relationships towards healthier trajectories, where we can collaborate together as partners, rather than fight for control. They are more than mere conceptual tools; they are the practical blueprints that guide the construction and maintenance of robust connections. While understanding the importance of boundaries may seem straightforward, implementing them can prove to be a challenge. This conundrum naturally leads us to the question: how can we initiate the process of creating “distance without disconnection”?
There’s lots of ways to explore this, and much to learn, this blog aims to illuminate four simple pillars of boundary setting to help you get started. All four pillars begin with an F to help you remember them, and they are: Firm, Fair, Fast, Felt. This is not a definitive list, but these four will hopefully provide you with actionable steps to practice and incorporate into your relationships, and thereby facilitating a shift towards healthier interactions.
- Firm: The first pillar that supports the architecture of boundaries is Firmness. A boundary, much like a wall, should stand strong and unequivocal, signifying an action that will be taken should the status quo remain unchanged. The construction of this firm boundary can start with a simple request to the other party, such as, “This conversation is feeling a bit heated, can we try to bring the intensity down?”. This request invites the other person to voluntarily participate in the change. However, the cornerstone of a boundary is laid when you make a clear, firm declaration of your course of action to protect the relationship. For instance, “If we can’t maintain a respectful tone in this discussion, I will need to step away for a few minutes to calm down before we can continue.” This level of firmness in boundary-setting sends a clear message about the seriousness of your intentions to preserve the relationship.
- Fair: The second pillar, Fairness, underlines that boundaries are a shield rather than a sword. They are implemented to protect, not punish. When viewed through the lens of an unbiased observer, the boundaries you set should reflect your aim to control your reactions and emotions, rather than the other person. The message embedded within a boundary should be, “I’m not trying to control you, but rather, I’m doing what is necessary to control my responses, in order to remain open, loving, and connected to you.” This essence of fairness in boundaries reaffirms their protective role, stripping them of any misconstrued punitive intent.
- Fast: The final pillar, Speed, emphasizes the importance of promptness in setting boundaries. Delay in establishing boundaries can often lead to undue stress and strain on a relationship, even culminating in bitterness and resentment. Acting swiftly to put boundaries in place can prevent these negative outcomes, preserving the health and happiness of the relationship. As the saying goes, “A stitch in time saves nine”, similarly, a boundary set in time can save a relationship from unnecessary turbulence. Act fast and timely to maintain the harmony and respect within your relationship. Many times, we overlook issues in the interest of not getting bogged down in perpetual conflict. However, I’ve found that there’s a fairly simple metric for deciding when its time to have a boundary setting conversation, which is the question: Does the relationship feel balanced? This question gets to the heart of what healthy relationships are supposed to feel like, which is a dynamic balance of care and attention that is paid to both members of the relationship. In healthy relationships, there is a very felt sense of balance in regards to what I am giving to the relationship, compared to what I am receiving. As soon as you realize things feel out of balance, start thinking about what boundary conversation needs to happen.
- Felt: The fourth and final pillar to consider when setting boundaries is that in the end, boundaries are inherently related to Feelings, they can be symbolically seen, or heard, but the essence of them, is that they are felt. Because of this, crucial conversations around boundaries are most effective when they stem from our emotional experiences, rather than focusing on judgement or labeling the other person’s behavior. When we choose to express our feelings instead of analyzing the actions of others, we maintain a dialogue that is respectful and open, steering clear from the pitfalls of speculation and judgement. As unique individuals, our feelings and experiences are inarguably our own – they are our reality and cannot be refuted. By openly expressing our emotions, we invite understanding and empathy, rather than inciting defensive reactions. The very essence of boundary setting lies in restoring our feelings of equilibrium, openness, safety, and connection. Therefore, boundaries should ideally be shaped by our emotions and personal experiences, thus fostering an environment of mutual respect and understanding in our relationships.
To conclude, boundaries serve as the invisible structures that fortify our relationships, preserving their vitality and dynamism. The principles of Firm, Fair, Fast, and Felt act as essential pillars in the establishment of these boundaries, enabling us to navigate the delicate balance of ‘distance without disconnection’. By upholding firmness, we communicate our serious intent to protect our relationships; by advocating fairness, we shift our focus from controlling others to controlling our own responses; by acting fast, we save our relationships from undue stress and strain; and by centering on our feelings, we open a respectful dialogue that paves the way for deeper understanding. The application of these principles might not be easy, but it is undoubtedly rewarding. As you begin to build these boundaries, remember that they are not walls meant to isolate, but bridges that connect, fostering a healthy, respectful, and vibrant bond. Boundaries are not about pushing people away; they are about drawing ourselves closer to what we need – a balanced, open, safe, and connected relationship. Let’s embark on this journey towards healthier boundaries and, consequently, healthier relationships.
Jesse Dukes
MA, LPC