Recently, I logged into our wifi network and noticed some other neighboring networks that popped up. One was labeled “NOT YOURS.” I had to giggle because it was blatant and quite creative and funny. It triggered my thoughts to consider how it relates to our relationships.
We often take emotional responsibility for others when it is NOT OURS to own. One example, of this, is if someone has ever said to you, “You make me mad!” We often learn in childhood that we are responsible for how our parents react, so we automatically bring those deep-rooted beliefs into our adult relationships.
We do affect and influence one another, so if you have hurt or let someone down, whether it is intentional or not, it is crucial for the health of the relationship that you take ownership for your words or actions. However, you need to draw the line of responsibility at that point and recognize that how they react is NOT YOUR responsibility.
If we say that someone has the power to make us feel a particular way it is by default communicating that we are not willing to manage our internal environment, the source of our emotions. The secondary message is that I am not responsible for my reactions, but you are. These mindsets keeps us stuck in unhealthy cycles of conflict that often go unresolved because the focus is on the blame game.
Taking emotional responsibility for another can also look like withholding our own feelings in an attempt to keep the peace. Many clients I have worked with often admit they learned to be the peacekeepers in the family. That pattern continues on into many other relationships both personal and professional. The end result is a lot of pressure that looks like stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems. There are many reasons for that coping mechanism that may have worked for them as a child but is not effective in adult relationships. Healthy relationships need both people to own their emotions and communicate them assertively.
What can we do to set the emotional boundaries?
1) Recognize that blame is usually past or present pain talking and being projected onto another. If it is your pain, own it, and take steps to heal the past. If it is the other person’s, let them know how much you care about finding the real problem and solution in an emotionally safe and respectful way for both of you.
2) Practice through mental rehearsal how you wanted to or will respond instead of reacting. Visualization is key to transformation from the inside out. We are more likely to respond the way we have rehearsed. Responding in a healthy and assertive way no matter how the other person is showing up builds our character and protects our values.
3) Practice empathy for others and for yourself. Practice empathy and assertive communication instead of reacting because you feel responsible for their emotions. We all have internal wifi networks that belong to us and us alone, and practicing these steps will empower you to begin a process of transformation so you can show up with your best self despite how the other person shows up. Give yourself and others grace in the process of learning, and realize sometimes we take three steps forward and two steps back. Yet, we are still a step ahead.
I love working with clients who desire to take a deeper dive into establishing healthy, fulfilling relationships. If you are interested or have any questions, please contact me at [email protected]
Andra Prowant CADC-1, Certified Life Coach